


Camaraderie

by HideTheDecay



Series: My Sweet Dwarf Series [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Abusive Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 06:46:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 45,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16634948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HideTheDecay/pseuds/HideTheDecay
Summary: Hawke would be cautious in front of anyone else, but he knew the elf would be enjoy watching a mage be reminded of his place. He was advancing on Anders again and scarcely heard the wine glass hitting the floor before the warrior was suddenly between them, gripping the arm he’d just raised to strike Anders a second time. “You will not hit him again.” Fenris snarled.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a spin off of My Sweet Dwarf (the first story in the series) and it takes before Anders tries to break up with Hawke.

When there was a knock at the door, Hawke raised his eyes from his book. He was expecting a visitor but he was an important man and there was never any telling who might turn up to ask for his help. He had his mage at his side on the couch and as comfortable as he was cuddled up to him, he gave him a nudge. “Go see who that is, will you? I invited Fenris over to talk about that slaver ship rumored to come into port soon.” After their latest tiff, he’d made Anders stay inside for a few days, so he imagined he’d be grateful for any company. Even Fenris.

\---

It felt like he was often kept in the dark these days, so it wasn’t really surprising that Anders was only now being told about this. He nodded and leaned in to kiss his cheek, then rose to do what was asked of him. He wasn’t thrilled when he opened the door and saw the warrior on the other side, but he stepped back to let him in. It had nothing to do with him and he’d long since learned not to say anything about Fenris. Or to Fenris, really.

“Garrett’s in the living room,” he explained, closing the door behind him and walking him to where they’d been cuddled.

\---

Fenris nodded, a silent means of thanking him for inviting him in and showing him where to go. He’d rather not see the mage at all, but he was part of the scenery in Hawke’s home so he was used to it. They didn’t really interact so it was fine with him.

“You’re here. Come, take a seat.” Hawke closed the book he’d been reading and gestured to the nearest chair. “Anders, get us some wine.”

\---

The mage didn’t hesitate. Really, he was glad to be given something to do. He made his way to the kitchen and set about getting them glasses and filling them up with a rich red wine that he knew Fenris favored. He chilled the glasses, as well as the bottle, and carried all three out to them. He wouldn’t have minded a glass himself, but he hadn’t been invited to join them and he didn’t want to presume.

“Here you go.” He offered them each a glass and then set the bottle on the side table closest to his boyfriend.

\---

Fenris frowned a little while the mage was out of the room. It struck him as odd that Hawke had _told_ his lover to get them wine and didn’t ask him to. When Anders came back without a glass for himself, he nodded again but said nothing as he took up his own. The wine was quite nice chilled. Maybe the mage just wasn’t in the mood to drink with them and since when did he care about Anders’ mood anyway?

“Some of that cheese we got would be good with this wine.” Hawke said, giving Anders a purposeful look. If anything, he looked a little annoyed that he had to suggest it and Anders hadn’t thought of it on his own.

\---

He caught the look and lowered his eyes. “Of course, I’ll be right back.” He turned and left the room again, this time taking much longer. When he returned, it was clear why. He was carrying not only a platter of sliced cheeses, but of sliced meats and crackers. He set it down within reach of both of them. “Anything else?” Better to ask than to have to be told.

\---

“No. Why don’t you get comfortable?” Hawke said, his tone far warmer now that he had what he wanted. He began to snack from the tray Anders had brought them, asking about the rumors of the ship. Fenris was uncomfortable, the dynamic between them different from what he’d always seen at cards. But eventually he eased up and began to enjoy the platter as well, remembering why he’d come in the first place and relaying all the information to his leader.

\---

Since he was being invited to sit, he settled down next to Hawke. He didn’t partake in the food, though. It was perfectly possible that it would be fine, but he’d figured in most things that it was better to err on the side of caution. Not eating changed nothing, but eating invited criticism.    

He was equally uncomfortable, not wanting to hang around while Fenris was here, but he listened to what he had to say. Little as he liked him, he appreciated that he got straight to the point and it was a subject he would’ve been invested in if he was allowed to be. His eyes eventually drifted away to fix somewhere off to the side since it wasn’t a conversation he was invited to share in.

\---

Hawke slid an arm around Anders as he listened, holding him loosely against his side. It was a gesture of fondness, but also clearly possessive. Fenris was no longer paying such close attention, caught up in their discussion of the slavers. But it still gave him another twinge of unease when Hawke put a cracker with cheese up to Anders’ lips, offering him a treat while never pulling his focus from Fenris.

\---

Anders flushed, not appreciating the offer. Normally it would’ve been endearing, but it would’ve been an entirely different scenario. They would be alone and he would have Hawke’s attention. Even so, he knew what was expected of him and he took it from him, chewing it enough that he could thank him.

\---

“So you think we can get everyone together by the time the ships exchange?” Fenris asked after a long sip of his wine, eager to wrap up the conversation and go. He didn't know anything about relationships and it was none of his business how these two handled theirs. But it was familiar in a way he didn't like and he didn't want to be around it longer than he had to.

“Probably so. But you didn't finish telling me what you planned to do once we're on the ship.” Hawke didn't understand the elf's haste to end their talk and tried to get him back in the topic he’d trailed away from.

\---

He wished that Hawke would let him go somewhere else to do his own thing. He didn’t want to be here and he knew the elf didn’t want him there, so why force him to stay and sit here uselessly? Their glasses weren’t empty, nor was the tray, so that afforded him no opportunities, but as he looked around for an excuse, he saw that the fire was beginning to burn out.

“Fire’s about to go,” he explained as he rose to his feet and made his way over to tend to it.

\---

Hawke looked to the fireplace, as if he didn't believe Anders. His eyes stayed on him as he continued to talk with Fenris, making the elf's eyes follow along. He wasn't interested in watching Anders stoke the fire, but he didn't know why Hawke was watching so attentively.

\---

Anders plucked up a couple of logs and set them in the cinders, propping them up to get the most out of them. When he had them where he wanted them, he used a little fire from his hands to get it going. The fire crackled and the room filled with renewed light. He straightened up, looking satisfied.

\---

Fenris startled just slightly when he lit the fire with his hands. He'd never been around Anders enough to see him use his magic casually outside of combat, but he knew it shouldn't have surprised him. He thought little of it and was lifting his wine glass again when Hawke rose from his seat and stormed the few steps he needed to close the distance between him and his lover. He smacked Anders sharply across the face, his eyes dark and dangerous in a way they hadn't been a moment before. “Why would you use your magic in front of Fenris?!”

\---

He barely registered that he was being charged when the sharp strike had him stumbling back. His hand lifted to his cheek and he looked up at him, hurt and, a moment later, humiliated when he remembered that they were in company. His eyes went briefly to the elf and then back to his boyfriend. “I wasn’t even near him…” He hadn’t thought about it, but even if he had, he didn’t think it was a big deal and he was in disbelief that he would smack him in front of someone else.

\---

Hawke's brows raised, as if asking if he was really daring to talk back to him. He'd be cautious in front of anyone else, but he knew the elf would be enjoy watching a mage be reminded of his place. He was advancing on Anders again and scarcely heard the wine glass hitting the floor before the warrior was suddenly between them, gripping the arm he’d just raised to strike Anders a second time. “You will _not_ hit him again.” Fenris snarled, releasing Hawke now that the strike was interrupted but staying between them.

\---

Anders flinched and though he leaned away instinctively, he knew better than to actually avoid the strike. So when he didn’t feel it, he looked up fearfully, surprised to find Fenris in front of him and even more surprised to hear what he had to say. He looked between them with wide eyes, backing away from both.

\---

“...What is this? Why would you defend Anders?” Hawke was too stunned to even be upset, at least initially.

“You can't treat him like this. You've been acting like he's an obedient pet since I got here. You don't look at him like a lover, you look at him like a slave.” Fenris spat, sounding absolutely disgusted.

At that, the rogue grew defensive and he scowled. “It's none of your business how I treat him. He's my -“

“He's not _your_ anything!” Fenris snapped and gestured back toward the mage. “He's a person, you don't own him.”

\---

His breathing picked up, becoming panicked, and he hurried to close the distance between them. He put himself between them, pressing himself into Hawke and facing Fenris. “It’s okay. It’s okay, please.” He was going to make it worse. He’d already made it worse and he was scared of what would happen when he left. “He didn’t mean to.” He’d meant to, but he had to defuse this or it was going to be bad for him.

\---

“He did and he meant to do it again.” Fenris growled, looking between the two of them. “This is not the first time he's treated you this way and you don't have to fear him. Come with me, I have extra rooms you can stay in.”

“You're not taking him anywhere.” Hawke was so incredulous, he sounded amused.

\---

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He seemed as shocked by what Fenris was saying as by the whole situation. “Please, it’s okay. Just go.” He was scared and he looked it, shaking, though he was doing his best to appear calm. “I’ll be okay.”

\---

“You won’t. He’s going to punish you and you’ve done nothing wrong.” He knew the fear in Anders’ eyes well. “Come. You don’t have to stay with me. We’ll find somewhere for you until you get on your feet. You don’t have to take one more beating from him, I’ll see to it.”

“Get out.” Hawke snapped at Fenris, all the danger in him that had been meant for Anders now redirected at the warrior.

\---

He stared at him, his eyes flicking between the elf’s. He seemed to be thinking, not knowing what to do when given an option. An option that wasn’t to simply take it. He glanced at Hawke from the corner of his eyes and then he slipped away from him. Not closer to Fenris, rather away from either of them.

\---

When Anders moved, Hawke didn’t pursue him. He had no fear that his lover meant to go with the elf. He was going to stay out of the way until this was dealt with, as he should. With Anders out of the way, he stepped forward and gave the elf the sharp back hand he’d meant for his man before he’d been interrupted. He fully expected Fenris to swing right back, but instead he was he was given a condescending look.

“I didn’t know this was the man you are behind closed doors. You make me sick.” Fenris hadn’t been struck out of insolence in a long time and it was enough to make his stomach turn to find Hawke was like this.

\---

In spite of his fear, seeing him strike Fenris woke something in him. “Garrett! Don’t touch him!” Defending someone else was different from defending himself. He did the only thing he could think to do, something that wouldn’t hurt Hawke, but would incapacitate him. A paralysis glyph that would make him harmless.

\---

Fenris was for once grateful for the magic, leaving Hawke still and harmless in front of him. He looked to Anders. “It will only get worse. You should go while you have the chance.” It was entirely up to the mage whether or not he wanted to get away from this, of course, but the warrior hoped he would.

\---

He looked at him, hesitant. “I can’t…” He looked back at Hawke, the fear hitting him hard. “I-... I-...” He didn’t know what to say, so much happening in so short a time. He loved Hawke and he never imagined fleeing from him. It would mean giving up on him and giving up on _them_.

\---

“You can. Even if you didn’t want to leave completely, there are people in this town that would protect you from him. Myself included.” He would never have made such an offer before. Not before he’d seen that with his own eyes. “He will get worse.” He warned again before turning and starting for the door. “You don’t deserve to be treated this way. I hope you get out while you can.”

\---

He watched him walk away. Then he looked at Hawke. He swallowed and then slowly approached him. “Love, I’m sorry I had to do that, but you went too far…” He’d paralyzed him completely, to the point that he wouldn’t be able to speak, so he had to try to read his eyes.

\---

Hawke’s eyes were furious. He hadn’t gone far _enough_. The elf had dared to challenge him in his own home over Anders, a man he actively despised. Then Anders had used his magic against _him_ rather than the warrior who’d gotten into their business.

\---

He could see how pissed he was and it only served to worry him. “Please, try to relax…” He didn’t want to release him until he it felt safe, but he wasn’t sure it would ever feel safe.

—

He realized that Anders wasn’t in any hurry to release him and that only angered him further. But that was getting him nowhere and so he closed his eyes and forced himself to slow his breathing. He could only do so much to relax while he was frozen this way, but he would do it to break free.

\---

He nodded, encouraging him. A hand lifted and he stroked his cheek a couple of times. “That’s it. Deep breaths.” He gave it a while, wanting to make sure he was calm and then, with his hand still cradling his cheek, he released the spell.

—

Hawke had managed to calm down somewhat in the time he’d had and so he wasn’t aggressive as he might have been if Anders had released him right away. As he was, he was tensed and his breathing picked up as soon as he was free, but he remained under the soothing touch of his mage. “Don’t ever use your magic against me. I didn’t even leave a mark on him.” He may have, but he still could have done much worse.

\---

“You can’t hit him. You can’t hit _anyone_.” He needed to get himself under control. “You have to stop it, Garrett. You’re going to push everyone away.” Himself included and he didn't want that.

\---

“Maybe I should push them away if they’re going to try to make you leave. Fenris, of all people, telling you to go home with him.” He snarled and wrapped Anders up in his arms, the hold extremely possessive. He belonged to him and he wasn’t going anywhere.

\---

He couldn’t believe it either. Fenris, of all people. He’d gotten so protective of him, it was bizarre. “You know what you do is wrong.” They’d talked about it so many times, but it seemed that each time he made less and less progress with him. To the point that he’d stopped bringing it up at all. “You do treat me like- like property and I’m sure you don’t mean it, but you do. You hit me and you hurt me and you have to stop.”

\---

The words made him release his mage, wanting to put distance between them. As he often did when he needing to work out his feelings but didn’t want to target Anders, he swung at the next closest thing, hitting the bricks of the fireplace. “Don’t you think I want to stop? Don’t you think I want things to be better?”

\---

“Then stop it!” Seeing him lash out like that made him as anxious as if he’d taken a swing at him. “If you want it to get better, you have to _try_. You hit Fenris and all he did was try to stop you from hitting _me_.” He took a step back from him, folding his arms around himself.

\---

“I should have done a lot more to him. This is between you and me. This has nothing to do with him.” He was still clearly riled, but moved no closer to him. “We were fine until he showed up.”

\---

“We weren’t. He saw it, even before you hit me.” He looked away from him. “How could you hit me like that? In front of him?” He’d gotten so bold. So shameless. “You’ve gone too far and if you can’t see that…” He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to do.

\---

“You were careless! You used your magic right in front of him! I barely touched you, I didn’t even leave a mark.” He took another swing at the wall, the sting and the heat of blood beading on his knuckles offering him a bit of comfort. “If I can’t see that...what? You’ll leave? Run away with Fenris?”

\---

He didn’t leave a mark, as if that was all that mattered. “I can’t… I- I need some space. I think I should go stay in the Hanged Man tonight.” They could try to talk tomorrow.

\---

“No. There is plenty of room in this house. You don’t need to go anywhere.” He said sharply. He didn’t think Anders would leave, but even spending the night somewhere would be too much. “I need you here with me.”

\---

“And I need space. If you want to show me that you want to change, you’ll let me do what I need to do and tomorrow, we’ll talk.” He was never allowed to put his needs first and he wasn’t going to back down this time. If Hawke cared, if he wanted to make this better, he was going to allow him some give.

\---

“Go then.” He took one more strike at the brick and the sound of the contact was accompanied by a sickening crack. He made a sound as he inhaled, more surprise than pain and stumbled away from the fireplace, a bit of bone jutting from the back of his hand. He’d meant for his self-destructive behavior to make Anders want to stay, but he hadn’t meant to really hurt himself. Perhaps it would help matters.

\---

Anders heard the impact, but he wasn’t watching. He didn’t want to see him hurting himself. He knew he would need help, but that would have to wait. Given permission, permission that he shouldn’t have get at all, he strode out of the room and for the door.

\---

“You do this to me, Anders. I need you.” He could hardly believe he was still leaving. He had always rushed to take care of him when he was hurt. He’d let him go, but he wanted him to be thinking about this every moment he was gone. “I love you.”

\---

He heard him, but he continued out without a word. As soon as he was outside, there was a decision to make. To go to the Hanged Man… or not. He thought about it and though he didn’t know what he was doing, he started in the opposite direction. To the abandoned mansion that he’d never gone to without Hawke.

Outside it, he couldn’t bring himself to knock. To open the door. He stared at the wood and then slowly, let it take his weight. Leaning on it, shutting his eyes.

\---

Fenris didn't really think that Anders was coming. Why would he choose to stay with him when he had friendlier options at the Hanged Man? But still, he found himself cleaning a room for him. Just in case. He knew what it was to be treated that way and have nowhere to run to. He'd give the mage a place to hide if he chose it.

\---

It was chilly outside, but he knew better than to use his magic out in the open. He just stood there, shivering, thinking about everything. Thinking about the warrior. It was until he heard footsteps that he spooked and fled inside. He shut the door behind him and leaned into that side of it. Probably just a patrol, but even then, he didn’t want to be caught loitering outside an ‘abandoned’ building.

—

Fenris froze when he heard the door. His comrades often came in without knocking, but he couldn't help but wonder if it would be Hawke coming to finish their altercation. He was cautious as he moved toward the door, but relaxed a little when he saw Anders had come alone. Ironic, as any other time he'd expect a fight if the mage walked into his home without Hawke. “I was preparing a room for you. You can stay if you want.” He called before turning to get back to work. He had cleared the debris out but he had layers of dust to tackle.

\---

Anders went still and he swallowed, watching him go. He took in a slow breath and shut his eyes again, trying to pull himself together. When he felt like he’d managed to, at least mostly, he pushed off of the door and slowly made his way further in. He followed the sounds of him working and found the room he was cleaning up. He continued to watch him, not knowing what to say and feeling wary.

\---

Fenris nodded to acknowledge him when he came to the door, but said nothing. Only when he'd finished the area he was working on did he look to him again and speak up. “Does anyone else know he treats you that way? That felt like the first time anyone has stood up to him about it.”

\---

He shook his head, having trouble meeting his gaze and having to look elsewhere. “Isabela knows he’s jealous and when he would kick me out, I would stay with Varric.” He should probably be with Varric, but he was here. “...But no one knows.” That he treated him so terribly and that he hurt him.

\---

“How long has it been happening?” It wasn't new. He could tell by Anders’ behavior that it had been going on for some time. He busied himself with pulling the ancient, tattered sheets off of the bed. The mattress underneath was clean at least and he could put one of his blankets on it to cover it at least for the night.

\---

“I don’t know. It’s slowly gotten worse and worse. He would jerk me around sometimes, but it wasn’t until Leandra died that he started hitting me.” He hadn’t been able to get this off his chest and since Fenris was asking and had defended him, he found himself just spilling to him.

\---

“It will get even worse if you let it.” Coming here was at least a good start to getting himself away from it. “I know it's easy to get complacent with it. To accept it as normal and feel like the times he treats you kindly makes up for the times he hurts you. You can't fix it, you can only decide if you can live that way or if you want to get out.”

\---

“He’s hurting and he’s taking it out on me, but-” But what? Nothing had changed. It’d gotten worse and he was right that Hawke showed no signs of changing. “I never thought he’d hit me in front of someone, but he hit me in front of you. He thought you wouldn’t care.” He hadn’t said so, but it was obvious. He’d been so shocked that Fenris would stand between them, that he would say anything. “...Why do you care?”

\---

“ _No_ _one_ deserves to be treated that way. It's even worse that he's supposed to be in a relationship with you.” He shook his head, still disgusted with Hawke. “He was dead wrong to think I wouldn't care. He doesn't know me at all if he thinks I'd allow him to treat someone like a prized pet in front of me.”

\---

He frowned and glanced at him, “...I’m sorry he hit you.” He didn’t know what to say - did Hawke really treat him so poorly that it really reminded him of slavery? That he was a ‘pet’? That seemed a bit extreme, even to him. “I’m sorry you had to see any of that.” If he hadn’t, though, this wouldn’t have happened. He wouldn’t be here.

\---

“Don’t be. I’m sorry I did not see it sooner. Him hitting me just proves that he’s a child throwing tantrums, it’s not just directed at you.” He grabbed one of the cloths he’d brought into the room and started to wipe away the dust on the headboard of the bed. “You’re just the easiest target because he feels you belong to him.”

\---

He nodded. “Thank you.” He would’ve thought what Hawke thought. He would’ve thought it would give him satisfaction to see him be taken down a peg, even by way of such violence. Especially by way of such violence. He obviously didn’t know him either.  “I don’t know what to do.” He said this softly, almost to himself. He wanted to help him, but nothing he did helped and he wanted to believe that when he returned, they would be able to talk about this and find some solution, but he knew it wouldn’t be that simple.

\---

“I don’t have a good answer for you. I’d like to think he’s not a monster, but I don’t know if this is something that can be fixed. I never had any interest in rehabilitating Danarius.” He kept himself busy, not sure how to have this conversation with Anders. “But if you don’t intend to make a run for it like I did, I think it’s best to at least distance yourself for now. It will keep you safe and maybe you can establish some boundaries with him that he will have to respect if he knows you have the option to leave him.”

\---

His frown deepened. He really thought Hawke was like Danarius. Enough that he was comparing them… But it wasn’t the same. Danarius had been his master. Fenris had been his slave. He was Hawke’s boyfriend. His equal. He just hadn’t been treated as such in a long time. “When I go back tomorrow… will you come with me?”

\---

“I will. I won’t let him put his hands on you again.” If Anders wanted him to stay out of this, that was fine. It wasn’t his business. But if he wanted him there, he would go. “You don’t have to go back tomorrow. You can stay as long as you need to.” It was a big place, they could keep their space from each other just fine.

\---

“I have to go talk to him, at least.” He’d told him Hawke would and he intended to keep his word, but he didn't know what would come of it and he didn’t want to go alone. Ideally, he’d go with someone else, but he didn’t want anyone else to know. Varric knew enough and he would prefer to stay with him, to have him at his side, but it would mean telling him _everything._ He didn’t want to. Fenris knew and Fenris cared, so he would have to do.

\---

“That is fine, but he’ll probably offer you apologies and promises. I doubt that one night without you will inspire any change in him. Just empty words.” He didn’t think it was wise to go back so soon, but if he wanted to go, he wouldn’t argue with him.

\---

He wasn’t wrong, but he had to try, didn’t he? “You don’t have to do anything more.” He’d already done plenty to make a place for him. He didn’t want to put him out and he was sure he wanted to take his leave. Even as kind as he’d been, he knew that he didn’t like him.

\---

“I’ll have a pillow and a blanket you can put over the mattress at least.” Probably not the luxury Anders was used to in Hawke’s mansion, but it would do for the night. He straightened up from his work and gathered the rags and ruined sheets in his arms. “I’ll warm up leftovers shortly. There’s plenty for us both.”

\---

“Thank you.” He’d never thanked him before, but it seemed he would be thanking him a lot before this was through. He moved out of the way, so he could leave the room and do whatever it was he needed to do.

\---

“It’ll be ready in about an hour. You don’t have to stay in here, you’re free to come and go as you like.” He didn’t want him to think he was bound to this room. There was plenty of space to wander. With that, he started out of the room, planning to have a couple glasses of wine while he warmed up the food he’d gotten from Margo’s to last him the week.

\---

He waited until he was gone to move further in the room. He sat down on the edge of the bed, hunching forward and staring at the floor. He couldn’t help but think about Hawke. He hoped he would be okay and that he would take care of his hand. He lifted his own hand to his cheek and brushed where he’d been struck. He didn’t know if it would leave a mark or not, but he wanted to take care of it.

\---

It was so strange to have a house guest. Not that they wanted to see each other. But it was still odd to know that someone else was there. Anders, of all people he knew. He supposed it could be stranger. He could have Danarius in one of the spare rooms. He snorted in shallow amusement as he got out his wine and poured himself a glass. It was fortunate he’d gotten so much food - he normally wouldn’t have enough in his stores to make a meal for two in his stores and he didn’t know how safe the mage would feel if he left him in the house alone.

\---

He used a little magic and then let his hand fall, dangling limply. It would be alright. He needed time away from Hawke and tomorrow, they would go together to talk to him. As long as they weren’t alone, he wouldn’t have to worry about him getting violent and maybe for once they could have a true conversation. Then they would go from there.

It was a lot to put on the elf, but he was willing enough, wasn’t he? He’d offered to protect him and he certainly hadn’t had to.

\---

He started a fire in his stove and started to warm what he had, drinking more of his wine and as an afterthought, dumping a bit from the bottle onto the meat he’d be heating up. A little extra flavor never hurt. Once he got that far, he went to his bed, grabbing a pillow and blanket that he could offer the mage. Much of his bed went unused so he had plenty to spare.

\---

Anders ended up scooting backward on the bed, sinking back onto the mattress and curling up on his side. He made himself small and took in slow breaths, trying to relax. His heart still felt like it was beating too quickly and he just wanted it to stop.

\---

When the food was ready, Fenris sat down at his table and ate on his own. He didn’t want to disturb Anders. He’d told him what time he’d be ready and if he didn’t want to come out to eat, he wouldn’t make him. He imagined it had been quite awhile since the man had been allowed to do what _he_ wanted to do. When he’d eaten, he filled a plate with the rest of the warmed food and carried it to the mage’s room, his other arm laden with the blanket and pillow. He decided he should at least offer it while it was still warm. He tapped on the door frame to announce himself, then moved to set the plate and bedding on an old dresser in the room near the bed. “I don’t mean to bother you. I just thought I’d bring you this before it gets cold.” He said before turning to leave him be, not even sure if Anders was awake.

\---

Anders eyes opened and he watched him move in and when he set everything down for him, he sat up. “Thanks.” If he was going to be thanking him so much, he could at least change it up. He glanced at what he’d set down, but his eyes quickly went back to him. His lips opened as if to speak, but he couldn’t find words and they moved uselessly until he was gone. He looked down and then sighed, pushing himself to his feet to fetch what he’d brought him.

\---

He didn’t expect so much thanks for what really wasn’t all that inconvenient for him, but he appreciated it anyway. The house was growing chilly and so he went to go light his fireplace. He’d sit in front of it and enjoy his wine while he watched the fire as he often did to pass the hours.

\---

He set the pillow and the blanket on the mattress and then curled up with his dinner, making quick work of it. He was pretty hungry and it was pretty good and when he was done, he figured he could at least clean up. It was that or leave it for Fenris to do and after all of this, that didn’t feel right. As such, he got up and began to quietly wander through the mansion, looking for the kitchen and avoiding the room from where light was emanating.

\---

He could hear the steps nearby and he wasn’t sure if it was him or something else the mage was looking for. “There’s more wine in the kitchen if you want some. The bath is on the left side of the hall.” He called to him quietly without looking away from the fire. That way Anders would know where the elf and the two most important rooms could be found.

\---

He stilled and then gratefully followed the directions to the kitchen. He looked around and after finding what he needed, began to wash the dishes. There wasn’t much to wash, but all the same, he cleaned it all and then dried it, searching for where to put it all away. Then when that was done, he sought out the wine that had been offered to him.

\---

The elf had no shortage of wine and there was a cabinet just for bottles and glasses - by far the part of the kitchen he’d kept the cleanest and put the most restoration work into. There were no open bottles currently, as the one he was working on was beside him in front of the fireplace. But he’d offered Anders his pick from the kitchen since he had plenty to spare.

\---

He didn’t really search through the wine for anything in particular, he just grabbed whatever looked cheapest and a glass. He chilled the bottle, much like he had earlier that night, and then popped the cork to pour himself some. He carried it and the bottle back the way he came, though as he passed the room, he gave him another thanks. It seemed it was all he had to say to him and this time he said it quietly enough that it was entirely possible that he wouldn’t hear him.

\---

“You’re welcome. Just tell me if you need anything.” He was still hyper aware of any sound Anders made. After years of solitude, it was so strange to hear someone moving around his house. He’d be awake and wouldn’t mind any interruptions from his thoughts.

\---

Though he wouldn’t see, he nodded. Then he made his way back to the bedroom and started in on the wine. He curled up against the pillow and nursed the wine. Drinking it slowly, but steadily. Refilling the glass when he emptied it and continuing on. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had an entire bottle of wine or if he ever had. He probably wouldn’t tonight, but he’d at least make a dent in it.

\---

He heard him move away and closed his eyes, listening to the crackle of the fire. He wasn’t as sure as Anders was that Hawke would not be violent the next day. There was no telling what the rogue would do if he felt they came to gang up on him. But he felt it more likely that the man would be full of apologies and excuses, desperate to get his mage to come home.


	2. Chapter 2

Anders woke later than he intended to. His head was aching and he was hungover. He’d had a lot of wine in the night and it’d helped him to sleep, but he found himself regretting it when he opened his eyes and saw the sun peeking in. It was past morning. Closer to the afternoon and he had to get going.

Hawke would be home, wouldn’t he? After last night he’d want to wait for him to come back, right? Perhaps not, perhaps there was no rush, but if he _was_ waiting, he didn’t want to leave him waiting for too long.

He groaned as he got out of bed, trying to remember the directions to the bathroom from the night before as he made his way out of the room.

\---

The fire was out, but Fenris was where he’d been the last time Anders had walked by. His hair was damp from the bath he’d taken earlier, but otherwise he’d been listening vigilantly. He doubted Hawke would come here in the night looking for Anders, but the idea wasn’t out of the question either. “Did you sleep?” He asked when he heard the mage in the hallway.

\---

When he was addressed, Anders decided he ought to seek him out. He detoured to the room he’d been avoiding, standing in the doorway. “I did.” He didn’t want to step inside if he wasn’t invited and so he stayed where he was. “I appreciate you giving me somewhere to sleep.”

\---

Fenris rose from his chair, turning to face him. “It was nothing. This is a big place.” Especially considering that Fenris spent so little time in any of the rooms beyond the few rooms he lived in. “Are you still wanting to go speak to him today?”

\---

“Yes, I have to.” He looked tired. He _was_ tired. Physically and mentally. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.” If he’d changed his mind, though Anders would like it if he did come. He would feel better if there was someone there to keep the peace. Even if Hawke lost his cool, as he had last night, between both of them, they might be able to keep him from acting out.

\---

“I want to. It’s not my business if you prefer I don’t go.” He added quickly, in case Anders was regretting asking him to come along. He’d stay back if he decided overnight he no longer wanted him there. “I don’t think you’ll be safe going alone.”

\---

He wasn’t sure how Fenris measured safety. If he meant that it was likely he would be hit again, he thought so too. But he didn’t think he was in danger. If that was true, though, he wasn’t sure why he’d become so terrified the night before. If he hadn’t been in danger, why had it worried him that something bad would happen following the altercation? Why was he bringing Fenris?

“If you want to, I’d like you to.”

\---

“Then I’ll go. Do you want to do anything before we leave? There’s more to eat if you’re hungry.” The mage had slept late and missed breakfast, but he could throw something together if need be.

\---

“No, I’m alright. I’ve used up enough of your resources and, honestly, I’m not that hungry.” He knew what was coming and he was anxious, especially since he was bringing Fenris. He felt it was ultimately for the best, but he knew Hawke wouldn’t like it. Not with how angry he’d gotten at him last night and it would hurt as much as it would help, at least at first. “I just need to use the bathroom.”

\---

“Alright. I’ll be here when you’re ready.” He would walk with him, in case they should run into Hawke on the way back. The rogue would most likely be home brooding, but it wouldn’t shock him if he was out looking for Anders by now.

\---

With a nod, he turned and returned to trying to find the bathroom. He remembered well enough to figure it out and after spending ten or so minutes tending to himself and putting himself back together, he returned to the room. “Alright, I’m ready to go.”

\---

Fenris nodded and started for the door. He left his sword behind - even if things got violent, he had no intention of using it. They could incapacitate Hawke one way or another. When they reached the mansion, he found himself growing increasingly uneasy, though he hid it well. He expected no good to come of this, but hopefully the mage could at least keep his head on his shoulders this time. He stood aside, leaving it to Anders to let them in.

\---

Anders opened the door and stepped inside. He started in slowly, knowing that if Hawke was here, he would’ve heard the door and if so, Anders expected he would come to greet him. When he didn’t, he began to suspect that he wasn’t here and to confirm it, he began to call for him. He went to the living room, where everything had gone down the night before, and listened carefully.

“Hawke?” Nothing. “I don’t think he’s here.”

\---

Fenris followed him and listened carefully - there was no sign of the mabari either. They were both out, it seemed. “Do you want to go back then?” That would probably be for the best, as he still thought it was too soon for him to try to talk to Hawke. “Or will we wait here for him to return?”

\---

“I should wait for him.” He shifted his weight a few times. “You don’t have to stay.” He’d asked him to come, but he was sure he had better things to do than to sit around all day. Who knew when Hawke would be back? All Anders knew was that he needed to be here whenever that was.

\---

“I will.” He didn’t have to. But he was uneasy about leaving him here on his own. He moved to take a seat in the living room, knowing it could be awhile and he might as well get comfortable. “I don’t want you to be here alone when he returns.”

\---

That was that then. He moved as if to sit himself, but then he noticed the wine stain on the rug. From when Fenris had dropped his glass to intervene. “I’ll get you something to drink.” He made his way to the kitchen and not only fetched him some tea, but grabbed a rag, some water, and some vinegar. He offered him the tea and then got onto his hands and knees to start cleaning up the stain.

\---

“Thank you.” It was his turn to be appreciative of hospitality. He watched him on the floor with a frown, not liking to see Anders cleaning and fetching him drinks the moment they were back in this house, though he knew he shouldn’t think much of it. “I made that mess yesterday, didn’t I?” It had happened so fast, he’d forgotten dropping the wine glass.

\---

“That’s alright.” It was his mess, but he didn’t mind cleaning it up. He hadn’t made it maliciously, after all. It was going to be hard to get out now that it had dried, but he was doing his best. After fifteen minutes or so, he sat back to look at it. Still there, but much lighter and less noticeable. “That’ll do.”

\---

“If he actually can learn from this, perhaps that spot will be an important reminder for him.” Of the day things got so out of hand, he’d struck Anders in front of someone. “Does this place still feel like home? Or does it make you uncomfortable to be here?”

\---

“...It’s the only home I’ve ever had.” He had no point of comparison. To him, this was home. The good and the bad. “It feels the same as it always does.” He didn’t know if that was a good or a bad thing. Right now he felt like he had more to do around the house - he knew Hawke hadn’t made the bed and he knew he preferred climbing into bed when it was nice and neat.

\---

“I can understand that.” He only had one ‘home’ and even that was Danarius’. He watched him, curious to see if he could sit and relax while Hawke was gone or if he’d be too uneasy. “But does it feel like your home or _his_ home where you’re invited to live?”

\---

He was surprised he was so talkative. So curious. He rose to his feet and moved to sit down in a chair across from him, though he did seem restless. “His home, I suppose.” It’d always kind of felt that way, but the feeling had grown as things had gotten worse. “It’s his, he has all the money, he sets all the rules…” He’d never really had much say and he’d never minded because he’d just been glad and grateful to be allowed to stay.

\---

“You are equals in a relationship. You were on the mission that helped to pay for this house, it was not all him.” He shook his head with a frown. He had to keep reminding himself that none of this was his business and he should keep his mouth shut, but it was hard to now that he’d gotten into it.

\---

He looked down at his lap, picking at his robes. “It was his investment. His money. The spoils were his.” Even if they’d been together, it hadn’t been his venture. He’d been given a share, as had everyone that had gone on it, but the bulk of the money had been split between Varric and Hawke, as the men that had funded the expedition.

“It’s easier for us, anyway. If we go on a mission together, he just keeps track of the money.” He could hear how bad it sounded as he said it and he rose again. “I should get the fire going, it’s chilly.” He moved to the fireplace, where this had started the night before, but this time he tried to use flint to get it going.

\---

“Use your magic.” He said with a dismissive wave of his hand as he watched him work with the flint. He didn’t want any magic used on _him_ but it was different just using it to get the fire going. “It didn’t bother me yesterday. He had no reason to jump down your throat about it the way he did.”

\---

He glanced back at him and even with permission, he continued to look around, as if to make sure it was safe. Assured that it was, he used a bit of fire to get it going and then he returned to the chair. “I’d almost say he likes you more than me.” He was trying to speak lightly, but some part of him meant it. “You support him in his endeavors, after all.” His work against mages. “I don’t.” Even before all that, Hawke hadn’t tolerated his grievances with the elf and he’d learned to keep his thoughts and opinions to himself.

\---

“That has likely changed.” He said with only the slightest hint of amusement. “He probably doesn’t like me much after yesterday. Maybe that will change if he learns from this. If he _wants_ to be better than this, anyway.”

\---

He hummed. After a while, he spoke up somberly. “Sometimes I wonder if he some part of him hates me for what I am.” Hawke had made his feelings of mages clear and it was Anders’ dearest hope that he would remember himself and realize he was wrong, but so far his feelings seemed to have only grown stronger. If he felt that way about mages, how did he feel about him? He wished he didn’t have to wonder if the man he loved actually hated him. It hurt. More than he could put into words, it hurt.

He didn’t know why he was telling Fenris this. On that much, Fenris agreed with him. He hated mages and he hated him for being a mage. He just didn’t know who else he would say such things to and for whatever reason, he wanted to listen.

\---

“Some part of him probably does. I don’t think it was always that way. Just after what that monster did to his mother. That’s not fair to you though, he was committed to you long before that happened. You had earned his trust, that you wouldn’t become a blood mage and do something horrific like that.” He frowned thoughtfully, looking to the fire. “But you said it didn’t start with his mother. It only got worse after that.”

\---

The confirmation was expected, but it made it no less harsh to hear. His eyes filled with tears and he kept them fixed intently on the stitching of his robes. If he let them move at all, they would fall. “He was rough with me sometimes, that’s all.” Rough and possessive. His voice sounded as if it was being carefully controlled. “Excuse me, I have to go upstairs for a moment.” He got up and hurried, as much as he could without it _looking_ like he was hurrying, up the stairs.

\---

“I’ll wait here.” He’d give him a moment if he needed one. He had no doubt that Anders was struggling deeply with all of this. He knew that perhaps he shouldn’t have been quite so blunt, but then, bluntness was how he spoke to everyone. Especially Anders. He watched him head to the stairs, then turned his gaze back to the fireplace.

\---

He went to his bedroom and when he was alone, he let the emotion go. He wept, crawling onto their bed and pulling a pillow into his chest. In honesty, it felt no more his than the bed in Fenris’ mansion did, but he’d just needed a place to be by himself. To let it all out. It took a while to numb himself and even when he did, he wasn’t in a hurry to return.

\---

Fenris sat alone for a long time before he grew too uncomfortable to wait any longer. Something had happened - either the rogue was upstairs and there was trouble, or Anders had broken down. Either way, he should check. He went up the stairs and it didn’t take him long to find the mage curled up on their bed. It was better than finding him with Hawke, but it made Fenris turn away quickly and shift his weight uncomfortably between his feet. “I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t up here waiting for you. ...I shouldn’t have spoken so bluntly on something that isn’t my business.” It was the closest thing to an apology he could manage.

\---

He startled and pushed himself up on an arm, looking at him. Surprised to see him. He would’ve thought he would’ve waited. The apology was unexpected and after a moment he shook his head. “I brought it up. I knew it, it just doesn’t make it any easier to hear.” He was used to being hated and feared, but it felt wrong that the man that was supposed to love him would feel that way towards him.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you waiting.” He should’ve gotten up sooner.

\---

“Take your time.” Fenris would give him space to sort through his feelings about it. He headed for the stairs, wanting to make sure he kept himself between Hawke and Anders if the rogue should return while he was still so upset and vulnerable.

\---

He climbed out of bed and took the time to make it and clean up. Then after making sure he looked pulled together and presentable, he made his way back downstairs. “Do you need anything else? You didn’t eat, did you?” They’d come straight here… unless he’d eaten before he’d woken up.

\---

“I ate before you woke. You don't need to get anything for me.” He finished his tea while he'd been waiting for him, but he didn't want Anders ‘serving’ him. Not after what happened the day before.

\---

He nodded and returned to his seat. He shifted a few times, trying to get comfortable and failing. He felt awkward and he didn’t know what to say. He’d never really spoken to him at length and this wasn’t really the time to start, was it? They’d already said more to each other in the last couple of days than they ever had before, but it was only about the situation at hand.

\---

“Has he promised you that he’d stop acting this way before?” Fenris asked after a long period of silence. He was anticipating the sort of things Hawke might say when he arrived and he wondered if there was anything the rogue could even say that Anders wouldn’t have heard before. After a beat, he smirked humorlessly and shook his head. “You don’t have to answer that. I don’t know why I think I’m in any place to assist in your relationship, I’ve never been close to having one myself.”

\---

He looked to him again, shifting uncomfortably. “Hawke put you in the middle of it last night and you’re still in the middle of it, thanks to me.” He was here to help him, after all. He shrugged. “To answer your question, he has. He was a lot more apologetic and wanting to change in the beginning, but… less so lately.” Again, saying it out loud it sound so bad and he felt the humiliation that had hit him so hard last night coming back.

\---

“Has he made any real improvement and then relapsed? Or were the promises empty from the start?” He wondered if Hawke had ever really wanted to change. Or if he’d been saying what he needed to for Anders to stay.

\---

“I think so…” Sometimes things would get better for a time, then they would be even worse than before. He frowned and there was a glint of accusation as he looked at him. He looked away again. “But it seems like the more he gets caught up in the mages, the more he…” He trailed off. Whether it was specifically because _he_ was a mage or if it was just Hawke focusing so intensely on his anger and outrage that it was making him more impossible to be around in general, he didn’t know.

\---

Fenris didn’t miss the look and turned his eyes to the fireplace. “If he has made a real attempt at getting better before, maybe there is a chance. But he’s been more hateful of blood mages than I am lately and only one has really hurt him. I don’t know if he’s in a place right now where he can separate his fear of mages from you, but that doesn’t give him the right to treat you the way he has been.”

\---

Before he would have found it impossible to believe that anyone could be more hateful toward mages, except perhaps templars themselves, but he’d proven far more reasonable than he would’ve expected. “Even if I wanted to take time from him, to allow him to heal without me, it’s not something he wants. He’s very… possessive of me. He wants me to stay with him.” How was he supposed to propose distance? How could Hawke hate him and want him at the same time?

\---  
  


“It doesn’t really matter what he wants if he’s treating you like you’re less than a person.” The elf’s tone was low and he shook his head. “If he really wants you to stay, perhaps the distance will motivate him to make a real change if you get your own place for awhile.”

\---

“Maybe, but it would require me convincing him to give me money to pay for it.” His money. He didn’t even know how much of ‘their’ money was his money. He also didn’t know how much he would be willing to offer him, especially for the purpose of space and separation.

\---

“If that is something you decide you want to do, I can help you convince him to give you _your_ coin.” He knew Anders hadn’t been making money on missions lately, only because Hawke hadn’t been bringing him along. But he surely had some savings at least. “Until then you can stay in my place or I’m sure Varric would let you stay there until we figure that out.”

\---

He nodded. He wouldn’t put the elf out. He’d stay with Varric as long as he was welcome, but he didn’t want to put him out either. He’d find something. Even if it meant just staying in the clinic again, though that wasn’t really something he wanted or somewhere he would feel safe.

\---

“I have more space than Varric, but he would probably be more pleasant company.” He went on, not seeing that Anders had nodded while his eyes were fixed on the fire. That was the benefit of his own mansion - they didn’t have to be ‘company’ at all and keep to themselves as they had the previous night. “You could go between our places until you’re on your own. Better you be with one of us at the start anyway - we can make sure he stays away from you and respects your boundaries.”

\---

“I can stay with Varric, but I don’t want him to know why. He knows we have problems, but he doesn’t know the extent.” He didn’t want everyone knowing what happened to him. It was bad enough that Fenris knew, but at least he was being supportive about it. Supportive. Of him. It was still surreal.

\---

“Better you stay with me then until you’re ready to talk about it. You know he’ll have a lot of questions and he’s a gossip.” He and the pirate were like old hens. “He’ll find out what is going on soon enough if Hawke comes storming to the Hanged Man to bring you home.”

\---

He frowned, but after a time, nodded. “Alright then.” If he would allow him to stay, then he’d stay with him. He sighed, so anxious and wondering when Hawke would be returning. “I’m too restless, I’m going to clean up. Are you sure you don’t need anything?”

\---

“I would take more tea, if you don’t mind.” He wasn’t going to ask him for more to drink, but if he was looking for something to do, that was different. He offered him his empty cup, finally looking back to him. He was restless himself, but he was well-practiced at passing the time alone.

\---

He took the cup from him and it was but a few minutes before he was returning with a refill. “Here you go.” With that taken care of he returned to the kitchen and began cleaning it. There wasn’t much to do, since he’d been stuck inside the last few days, but he washed the tray from the night before and put it away. Then he began to scrub the counters and the floors.

\---

Fenris didn’t have to sit alone for long. He wasn’t as attuned to the sounds in this house as his own, but he still tensed when he heard something near the door. The rogue was back. He rose to his feet when he heard the key in the lock, calling quietly for Anders in case the mage didn’t hear the door. He didn’t want to raise his voice too much, but if he could give the man a warning that Hawke was home, he would.

\---

Anders heart rose to his throat, abandoning what he was doing, the floor still wet, to return to the living room. He hated how anxious he felt, but he wasn’t alone and it would be alright. He decided it would be best to stay near Fenris, so with a deep breath, he waited for the Hawke to come in and find them waiting.

\---

Pickles lead the way, his entire butt wagging as he greeted both of them. Hawke was soon to follow, his hand thickly wrapped from the evening before. He was relieved that Pickles had taken off ahead of him, confident that it meant Anders was home. His eyes fell on the mage when he got to the living room, but an instant later, he zeroed in on the elf. The elf who had no business being there. “Get. Out.” He warned, his voice low.

“I was invited.” Fenris folded his arms over his chest. He wasn’t going anywhere.

\---

“It’s alright, Garrett. I invited him,” he confirmed. “I think it’s a good idea to have him here to mediate.” He was the last person he would have wanted as a mediator, but in that way, he was kind of the best option. He had become close to Hawke in the time they spent together. Perhaps once Hawke calmed down, he would listen to him and realize that if the warrior was saying something, something was wrong.

\---

“He’s not involved in this.” Hawke snapped at Anders, then turned his eyes back to Fenris. “Get out. Now. I need to talk to him alone.”

“ _You_ involved me in this. You can talk to him and I will stay out of it. But I will not let you put your hands on him.” Fenris’ tone was low and calm, though he could see his words were only working Hawke up more.

\---

“He’s right. You involved him when you hit me in front of him. When you hit me _for_ him.” He was stiff as he moved to sit down on a chair. “Come on, why don’t we sit down?” He gestured to the couch.

\---

“It doesn’t give him any right to butt into our relationship. None of this has anything to do with him. You _hate_ each other - why would you invite him back today when we need to work this out for us?” Hawke moved in closer, but didn’t look as if he meant to sit on the couch.

Fenris was quick to step between them. “That should tell you how serious this is. That he would ask _me_ for help.” He gestured toward the couch as well, but that didn’t seem to motivate Hawke to sit down either.

\---

“We need outside help. We’ve tried to work this out before and nothing changes. We need his help, even if it’s just to sit there and make sure nothing gets out of hand.” Fenris didn’t _have_ to join the conversation, not unless things got out of control, but he already had a feeling that he would have to before this was through. “ _Please_ sit down so we can talk.”

\---

Hawke reluctantly moved to sit on the couch, but he kept his eyes on Fenris until the elf moved aside to stand by the fireplace. He looked to Anders then and sighed. “We don’t need anyone else involved. These are _our_ problems. I just didn’t want you to use magic in front of him and I lost my temper when you did. I’m sorry.”

\---

“I know you did, but you lose your temper a lot. All the time, it seems.” He folded his hands together and held them in his lap. “It’s not just you hitting me. You’re so controlling, love. I have to be so careful around you, but no matter how careful I am, it’s never enough. I mess up or I don’t meet your expectations and you’re so harsh. You don’t seem to realize or care how much it hurts me when you disregard my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes… sometimes you make me feel like I don’t matter at all.”

\---

“I protect you. I take care of you. But you still left me last night when I needed you.” Hawke was quick to accuse him, not wanting to acknowledge any of what he’d said. He gestured toward Fenris with his wrapped hand. “Did you stay with him last night? Is that why you invited him now?”

\---

“That’s just another example of how controlling you are. Your idea of protecting me is locking me inside and taking away my ability to do the things I want to do.” He frowned, his hands tightening. “I will take care of your hand today. It’s not my fault that you wouldn’t stop hurting yourself.” He wouldn’t be blamed for it.

“I did. You were right that this isn’t anyone’s business, so he was my best option.”

\---

“It keeps you safe! The templars can never touch you here!” Hawke wrinkled his nose in disgust. “His little act of heroism must have gone a long way with you. How many times did you fuck him last night?” He cast a glare at the elf. “He’s good, isn’t he? I bet you’re hoping your intervention today is going to make for another good night for you.” He spat, the stunned look from the warrior only infuriating him further.

\---

He looked at him with wide eyes. “Seriously? I’ve stayed with Varric several times. The only reason I didn’t stay with Varric this time was because I didn’t want to involve him.” Why was Varric somehow immune to his accusations? He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You’re being ridiculous and you know it. I at least understood where you were coming from with Isabela, but don’t be daft.” He’d thought Isabela was a special case, but apparently not.

\---

“Varric is _straight_. You went and stayed with Fenris, knowing there’s no reason he’d have you in his home if he wasn’t going to have you in his bed.” Hawke looked as hurt as he did angry, already convinced that his accusation was truth. “Was it good? Spending the night in someone else’s bed and leaving me here alone?”

“You’re running from the real issues your lover is presenting to you.” Fenris hadn’t wanted to speak up, knowing he needed to let them talk, but he didn’t want the rogue derailing too far from the actual problems they needed to discuss. “We have scarcely been within arms’ reach of each other. Now shut up and listen to him.”

\---

He frowned. Was Fenris not straight? Well, whatever. Whether he was or wasn’t, it didn’t matter. “You have to stop treating me like I’m a whore.” He was sick of these sorts of accusations. “You know I wouldn’t touch him and you know he wouldn’t touch me and he’s right, you’re changing the subject.”

“Something needs to change. If it doesn’t, I don’t know how much longer we will last.”

\---

“You _were_ a whore. I don’t treat you like one, but I can’t help but wonder whenever you go wandering into other people’s rooms without me.” Especially overnight. “We will last because we love each other. I apologized for losing my temper in front of Fenris. We’ll work through it and everything will be fine.”

\---

He flushed. He hadn’t told anyone but Hawke what he’d done in Denerim and the fact that he was holding it against him was as frustrating as it was hurtful. “I did what I had to do. It doesn’t mean I am incapable of being faithful,” he hissed in a hushed voice. “An apology doesn’t cut it. You apologize and you apologize and you do it again and again and you don’t _listen._ ” He found that he was being far firmer with someone here to back him up. “You want ‘sorry’ to fix it, to glaze over it, so you don’t have to stop and think. So you don’t have to _try._ ”

\---

“You know how hard this has been for me. You know I wasn’t like this before…” Before his mother had been killed. “I want to do better but you’re always finding ways to push me. Using magic in front of the elf was just the latest thing. I _am_ sorry and I _am_ trying, Anders.”

\---

He was like this before, though. The accusations of sleeping around was absolutely something that had happened before she’d died. “I just lit a fire. He didn’t care, but you thought it was necessary to hit me. You could’ve just said something, you know. I shouldn’t have to say this!”

\---

“I shouldn’t have hit you, but I didn’t hurt you! It’s not as if I beat you senseless over using your magic! It was a slap, okay?” He stood up, needing to start pacing and as soon as he was upright, Fenris drew closer. “Stay away from me.” He growled at the elf. “We’ll keep him out of our home. If he hadn’t been over yesterday, none of this would have happened.”

\---

He tensed when he stood and with everyone on their feet, he couldn’t stand to be the only one sitting. He stood as well, letting his hands fall apart. “No, I think we should take a break. We should spend some time apart and when we’ve both had time to think things over, we’ll talk about where we want to go from there.” He couldn’t make this simple for him, especially if he refused to take this seriously. He had to make it clear what he was risking if  he continued to act like this. If he continued to refuse to take responsibility for his actions.

\---

“I need you. You can’t leave me here.” He moved to Anders and embraced him tightly before Fenris could move to get between them again. “I love you so much. I can’t do this alone. We just won’t have him over and things will be okay.”

\---

Anders attempted to move back, but the chair was behind him and there was nowhere to go. Instead, he lifted his arms up between them and tried to push him away. “Please stop. This is something that we both need.” He was good at begging, but he wouldn’t give in this time.

\---

“No, it’s not. I’ll do better.” He insisted, tightening his grip so he couldn’t be pushed from him. “I’m not okay. You know I’m not, you know that’s why I’ve been like this. If you leave me here alone I’ll…” Hurting himself wasn’t as effective as it used to be. He hadn’t even healed his hand yet, after all. “I _need_ you. I might end up doing something I can’t undo if you leave me…”

\---

He pushed harder. “Stop it. You can’t guilt me into staying. This is making it worse, not better.” If they had any hope to be together, to be happy, he had to let go and take the time to get himself together. “I’m not saying that it’s over, but for now, we’re taking a break.”

\---

“No. If you leave me, you won’t come back. I can’t do this without you.” He tried to tighten his hands in Anders’ robe to keep his grip but that made him yelp, his hand still a mess from the night before. “I’m not okay. Please. Please, don’t go…”

Fenris was extremely uncomfortable with the shift from Hawke and he stepped closer to try to intervene, helping Anders finally detach the rogue from him. “It is no one’s fault but yours if you’re a danger to yourself.”

\---

It hurt him to hear him like this, but he couldn’t let him have his way. “I’m sorry, Garrett. I’ll come back in a month. Try to get a hold of yourself.” He moved to Fenris, putting him between them so the rogue couldn’t try to grab him again. “Come on, let’s go.” Hawke was too worked up for him to even want to try fixing his hand. “Go to the Circle to get your hand fixed, okay?”

\---

“If you don’t come back tonight I’ll…I’ll kill myself. I’ll do it. You’ll find me cold here if you wait a month to come back.” His voice had taken on a desperate note and he followed Anders, no longer seeming to notice Fenris was there.

“Enough.” The elf put his hands out to keep the rogue from reaching for Anders again. “You’re a strong man. A leader. You will pull yourself together and the time alone will be good for you.”

\---

It was cruel for him to say that, to put that on him. “A month.” With that, he went out the door. He didn’t know if Hawke would continue to follow, but he hurried to try and create distance between them, heading for the Hanged Man. He didn’t know if Fenris was going to follow, but he had to go talk to Varric. To tell him that he needed to keep an eye on Hawke.

\---

Fenris went after Anders and he was relieved that Hawke did not chase after them once they were out the door. He followed the mage in silence for a time before he spoke up. “I’m glad you didn’t give in to that, I’m sure it was difficult.” It had been hard for him to listen to himself and he didn’t love Hawke like Anders did.

\---

It was difficult and he felt ill. Not only about the words they left on, but all off it. He didn’t say anything, heading into the bar when they came to it. Luckily Varric was in and he was able to pull him aside. He didn’t linger long, telling him the short of it. That they were taking a break from their relationship and that Hawke wasn’t taking it well and that he’d threatened to hurt himself. He asked him to keep him company and to keep an eye on him and when he was assured that he would, he took his leave.

\---

“Varric will help.” Fenris had been silent in the bar, but attempted the reassurance when they were outside again. “Both in making sure he does not hurt himself and keeping him from pursuing you.” He found that the latter was a lot more likely. He couldn’t see the rogue really trying to kill himself, but he did see him going out to look for Anders to try to make him come home.

\---

He nodded. He didn’t want Varric knowing everything, but he had a feeling that he would know it by the time this was through. His heart was still beating quickly as he made his way back to the elf’s mansion. “I assume your offer for a place to stay is still good?” There wasn’t any reason why anything should’ve changed, but maybe seeing what Hawke was actually like had made him feel differently about it.

\---

“Yes. He can’t get into the mansion without my knowing. You’ll be safe there.” He expected trouble, but perhaps the dwarf could keep Hawke at home. Perhaps the space really would do him good and help to calm him.

\---

When they arrived, he waited for the elf to let them in. “...Thank you again for coming. I think it things would’ve gone much differently if you hadn’t.” He was walking towards his room, but slowly so they could talk.

\---

“I think so too.” Anders had needed the backup and he was glad he’d been there to provide it. “I’ll be by the fire if you need anything. Or want a glass of wine.” He knew the mage could just continue to enjoy the wine on his own in his room. But he’d just be tending to his sword by the fire and if the man wanted company after all that had happened, he’d have an extra glass waiting for him.

\---

As they came to his room, he nodded, preparing to part from him, but found himself pausing. He watched him, waiting until he’d made it a few steps away to take one himself. “Fenris.”

\---

He was surprised to hear his name, assuming the mage was going to hole up in his room at least for a little while. He stopped and turned to look at him again. “Yes?”

\---

               

He met his gaze and he appeared conflicted as he considered him. Considered what was going on in his head. His heart, already far too fast, was beating harder and harder. He seemed to come to a decision because he strode forward and grabbed Fenris’ cheeks to pull him into a simple, but firm kiss.

\---

Fenris was shocked and his own heart started racing. Surely he didn’t mean anything by this. The man was frightened, vulnerable, and grateful to him. It was nothing more than that. It took him a beat to respond, but he did, sliding a hand back into Anders’ hair and returning his kiss. How long had it been since he’d kissed anyone? It had been many months since even Isabela had kissed him this way.

\---

He hadn’t really expected him to respond, but when he did, he drew it out longer than intended. When he did break it, he did so suddenly, but maintained an intimate space with him. “I’m sorry,” he murmured, his hands sliding down to rest on his shoulders. “He accuses me of so much, I thought I ought to deserve it for once.” He’d been accused of this and from that accusation, he’d learned that Fenris’ liked men. The returned kiss was confirmation that at least that much was true.

\---

Fenris left his hand in his hair, thinking that since it was there anyway perhaps it would be soothing. “Don’t be sorry. And even now you are not worthy of his accusations. You’re on a break, you can do what you like.”

\---

He was right. They were on a break and with that in mind, he kissed him again, briefly. “...If you like, you can come to my bed later.” The offer made his stomach tighten, but he meant it. He also meant to give him time to think about it. He pulled back from him. “I’m going to take a bath.” If Fenris didn’t want to, he hoped he would simply not show up. That it wouldn’t come up again and he could pretend that he hadn’t offered at all.

\---

“I’ll come by later.” He released him after he pulled away, giving him space. He probably couldn’t do all that Anders had in mind, but it might be good for him just to have another body in his bed to share intimate space with. It might be good for them both.

\---

Fenris hadn’t hesitated. He was surprised. He’d surprised himself with this, but he didn’t expect him to be so willing. Why was he? “I will see you then.” He moved past him and made his way to the bathroom, preparing a bath for himself and trying not to overthink things as he took the time to thoroughly wash and take care of himself.

\---

Fenris left him to his bath, busying himself with tending to his sword as he’d planned. He’d warmed a bit of food and left some in Anders’ room for when he got out of his bath, having his own portion by the fireplace while he worked. The only reason he hadn’t been more apprehensive about the offer to go to bed with Anders was because it was impersonal. Just as he’d suspected, it had nothing to do with him. Anders was acting out against Hawke’s accusations of him and Fenris was just the most convenient warm body to use. With the bonus of being the most recent person Hawke had accused Anders of sleeping with. They could share the bed and share their kisses and that might provide them both with a little extra comfort through the night.

\---

When he finished his bath, he returned to the bedroom and he saw what had been left out for him. In spite of everything, it brought a slight smile to his lips. He ate while the air dried him and when he was done, he let the towel he’d wrapped around himself fall. He considered his clothing, but rather than dress, he decided to lay down as he was. If Fenris came, then he didn’t need it and if not, he could simply relax in his skin.

\---          

Fenris took his time and it was late in the evening when he began to wander toward Anders’ room. He was curious if perhaps the offer had been made in the heat of the moment and it would be off the table now. That would be fine with him. He was already a little nervous, not knowing what he’d do if Anders wanted to take things a lot further than he did. But he felt this would ultimately be good for them both. He rarely went without his armor, save for the nights he slept, and he walked to Anders’ room in only trousers, his chest bare. He went to the doorway and knocked to announce himself, not sure if Anders would still be awake.

\---

Anders was laying in bed, the blanket draped over him. At the sound of the knock, his eyes opened, as he’d been resting. Thinking, but resting. He saw him standing there and his breath caught when he saw his state of dress. He pushed himself up, the blanket falling to his hips. “Come in…” He couldn’t actually believe that he was here, but he was and he as he stepped in, he pulled the blanket aside to reveal himself entirely.

\---

He hadn’t expected Anders to be naked and his eyes wandered him when he revealed himself. “You look good…” It probably wasn’t the right thing to say. But he liked what he saw and it was the first words that came to him in the common tongue. He went to the bed and crawled in with him, leaving a bit of space between them. Anders was vulnerable and he’d let him choose when he was ready for contact between them.

\---

For some reason, the compliment felt as strange as the rest of this. “So do you.” He really did and as he crawled onto the bed, his breathing quickened. “...Don’t be shy.” He gestured him to come closer, wanting to get his hands on his trousers so he could tug them off of him. This was so surreal, but it was happening and he wanted it. He’d been accused of fucking him, so why not fuck him?

\---

“I am a little shy.” That wasn’t the right word either. But it might warn Anders of his apprehension about how far this went. He moved in close to him when he was invited, leaning in to kiss him. It was simple, as their earlier kisses had been, and he liked the feel of their bare skin touching when he drew an arm around him to bring their chests flush.

\---

The admittance surprised him. He thought him aloof, rather than shy, but the last couple of days _had_ proven that he didn’t know him. At all. He leaned to meet the kiss and his hand lifted to his cheek, using it to help pull him in. All the while his other hand slid down his front, finding the clasp to his trousers and tugging on it.

\---

He was surprised to feel the hand working on his trousers already and it gave him a shiver - a mixture of unease and excitement. He reached down for it, easing the hand toward the small of his back instead. As if to apologize, he pressed himself against him harder, parting his lips and inviting his tongue into his mouth.

\---

His brows furrowed, but he was too busy sliding his tongue in his mouth to say anything. His hand came to rest where the tattoos marked him most and his fingers began to trace them. He could feel the lyrium and it was wild. Knowing it was there and seeing it was one thing, but feeling it was another.

He wanted him and already his cock was beginning to stiffen.

\---

He was more comfortable with the fingers tracing his tattoos instead and he made a soft sound into the kiss. The elf ran his own fingers over the mage’s back, finding his scars but not lingering over them. It was interesting that a healer would have scars and he hoped that it wasn’t Hawke’s doing. It was nice to be caught up in a kiss this way, especially now that he’d diverted Anders’ hand.

\---

He wasn’t thinking about the markings on his back and as sensitive as they were, the touch didn’t draw attention. It just felt good to be touched at all. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been touched in a way that wasn’t possessive. Beyond possessive. He used the arm around the elf to pull him in, rolling to his back and bringing him over him.

He broke the kiss. “Undress for me,” he breathed, brushing their lips together.

\---

He settled easily into the new position, preferring to be over Anders than the other way around. He kissed him once more, then pushed himself to sit up so he could unlace his trousers and push them down. He didn’t mind undressing for him if that was what he wanted. “Do you want me to pleasure you?” He could hardly believe he was making the offer to Anders of all people. But the change in position had made him acutely aware that the mage was hard.

\---

The question was odd and he couldn’t help a chuckle. “Well, yes,” That was why they were naked and laying together, wasn’t it? “I want to pleasure you as well.” He said this playfully, thinking he was messing around. “You brought oil, yes?”

\---

“No, I don’t need anything in return. I just want to sleep at your side.” With his trousers off and out of the way, he settled over Anders again, but this time he was low between his legs. It had been a long time since he’d taken a cock into his mouth, but he found that once he dragged his tongue up the length of him for the first time, he remembered just what to do.

\---

That surprised him and he sucked in a breath when he was licked, but he reached for him to stop him. He touched his cheek and stilled him by holding it. “You don’t want me?” He wanted to pleasure him and then… just sleep beside him? That didn’t make sense.

\---

“It’s not that.” He murmured, looking up to him when he was stopped. “I am...shy, as I said. It has been a very long time for me.” He didn’t try to suck him, but he did give him a hungry look as he ran his tongue over his cock once more.

\---

“You don’t look shy.” Not looking at him the way he was. “Fenris, I want you. Please, you’ve been so kind to me. I haven’t felt kindness in a long time.” He saw it here and there. Varric was kind to him in the time they had together, but Fenris had gone above and beyond to help him and he wanted to lose himself with him.

\---

So simple pleasure would not do. He’d known when he’d accepted the invitation to come to bed with him that it may come to this. Perhaps he could do it, for the sake of easing another abused man’s suffering. If Hawke had been using him sexually, perhaps Anders needed this. “I’ll go find the oil.”

\---

He nodded, but didn’t release him. “You do want me, don’t you?” If he was hesitating, he wanted to make sure. If he didn’t want him, he didn’t want to do this.

\---

“Yes, I want you. It has just been a long time.” He could do this. It wouldn’t be as bad as he remembered. He gave him one more lick, then moved to get up out of the bed. He was, in fact, somewhat hard himself from the anticipation of sucking someone off because _he_ wanted to.

\---

The confirmation was what he needed and he let go of him. “Hurry back.” He didn’t want to go long without him and to occupy himself in the meantime, he began touching himself.

\---

He went to his own bed, knowing there would be oil there. He rarely needed it, but once in awhile he still had needs he had to take care of. His heart was racing and his hands shook just a little, but he kept himself composed as he went back into Anders’ room and moved to the bed. He watched him touch himself with hungry fascination, then handed over the bottle of oil. “We can do this however you like.”

\---

“Well, do you prefer to give or take?” That would determine how he wanted to do this. He took the oil from him and opened it, pouring some onto his fingers. His eyes roamed him, just as hungry, having so much to look at as he followed the engravings.

\---

“I have only taken.” Giving had never been an option. He had no preference. He crawled up onto the bed at Anders’ side, seeking his lips for another kiss to ease his nerves.

\---

His brows lifted. That was quite a preference, but if he wanted to take, then he would give. He met the kiss, his oiled hand falling to stroke himself. “Lay back,” he murmured against his lips, breaking it so he could begin to shift over him.

\---

He did as he was told, laying on his back and spreading his thighs wide for him. Anders was bigger than what he was used to and it had been a long time. But he knew he could endure this. He took slow, controlled breaths as he waited for Anders to begin.

\---

Rather than go straight for it, he settled between his legs and took hold of both of their cocks in his slickened hand, stroking them together. He kissed him deeply, determined to do this and trying to ignore the scratching in the back of his skull that this was wrong.

\---

He gasped into the kiss, not expecting to be touched despite Anders saying that he meant to pleasure him as well. He stiffened the rest of the way very quickly, so responsive to his touch. The trembling in his hands had been starting to subside but now his thighs were shaking as he was stroked against another cock.

\---

He leaned more of his weight onto the bed, giving himself the leverage to begin rolling their hips together. Thrusting into his hand as he worked them up and down. Squeezing them together. He groaned and was so aroused that the kiss became that much more intense, that much more erotic.

\---

His hips responded in kind, rocking with him. He made soft, needy sounds into the kiss, his hands moving to clutch at his back. This was so different. So different from anything he’d ever experienced. It helped to keep him from tensing up, though the intensity of everything had him trembling.

\---

When he couldn’t take it, he let go of him, pushing himself down and pressing himself to his entrance. He murmured his name, then pushed in, slowly but surely. He shut his eyes, the reality of what he was doing hitting him as the tight muscles wrapped around him. He was fucking Fenris. He’d wanted it and he had it and for better or for worse, this was something he could never take back.

\---

He drew a sharp breath, his fingers digging into Anders’ back as he stretched to accommodate him. It hurt, but he’d gone in slowly at least. The most important difference was that the work of his hand had gotten him truly aroused in a way he was unfamiliar with and that made the stretch less unpleasant than he would have expected. His breaths were quick and his skin was flushed with heat, his body reacting as if this was his very first time.

\---

He began to thrust slowly, taking his time to get into it. Not only for his own sake, but for Fenris’. He’d emphasized that it’d been a long time for him, so he didn’t want to overdo it. He took hold of him once more, stroking him at the same, steady pace to which he was taking him. His eyes had opened again, taking him in as he took from his body and gave just as much in return.

\---

His hips rocked in time with him, his moans low and needy. The stroking made him jolt as if it startled him but he settled into it and began to roll his hips once more. The elf really did look like a virgin beneath him in the way he writhed and panted, overwhelmed but eager.

\---

This was not how he would have imagined him in bed. Not that he’d ever imagined him in bed. Of course not… _but_ if he would have, this was not how he would have imagined him. He would’ve imagined him all confidence, all commandeering. Still, this was nice and he enjoyed his enthusiasm. He groaned, picking up the pace and pounding him as he gave into his needs. “That feel good?” he murmured, sprinkling kisses against his jaw.

\---

He answered him, but it was in Tevene. He couldn’t think to answer him and when he did come up with some words Anders would understand, he could only think of two. “Don’t stop.” The pounding was more familiar to him and yet he melted into it, the hand on his cock making him arch eagerly. He remembered what he’d been trained to do in all of this and he tightened his muscles around him to give him resistance, finding the muscles were a bit weaker than they used to be from lack of practice, but they still remembered just how to grip the cock within him.

\---

He had no intention of stopping, but hearing him say it gave him a lick of pleasure. A lick that was immediately amplified when the muscles tightened around him, forcing him to put more effort into his thrusts to maintain his pace. He moaned and had to resist the urge to go harder - he wanted to keep it like this. Enough to make them both feel good without going at it so frantically that they both came too quickly.

\---

Fenris knew he wasn’t going to be able to last too much longer. It was all too much, but he kept himself focused on gripping him with his muscles, which served as enough distraction to keep him from tumbling right over the edge. He was throbbing in Anders’ grip, breathing in sharp gasps as he started panting too quickly to moan.

\---

He could feel the change in him, but the only thing he offered to help was a quicker pace on his cock. His own was hot inside him, dripping pearls that slickened him further, threatening to cum, but not quite there. Getting there, but he could feel that the elf was closer. That he would cum first.

\---

The elf wouldn’t mind a bit if Anders still had a ways to go when he finished. The way he was feeling right now, Anders could use him for the rest of the night if he liked. He arched and threw his head back, beside himself with pleasure. It didn’t take much more of the quicker stroking to bring him to, his muscles tightening almost painfully around Anders as he spilled a large and thick load between them. He cried out, the feeling unlike anything he’d ever experienced.

\---

Though he hadn’t meant to, he cried out with him, their voices overlapping. The tightening was enough to have him shaking and he worked himself desperately through his vice like grip. It took a little longer still, another dozen or so thrusts, until he was crying again, louder, filling him up with cum. Thrusting in deeply, until following a final buck, he pulled out of him.

\---

Fenris had been rocking with his thrusts after he’d finished, but when Anders pulled out, he let his body collapse into the mattress. He was sprawled and panting, the liquid heat in his body welcome for once. He’d allowed this thinking that it was something that Anders needed, but perhaps he was the one who had needed this.

\---

He shifted aside and sank down onto his stomach, his head turned towards him. Fenris had the entire pillow, so he was lying flat on the mattress, but he didn’t really care. That had really happened. Hawke probably thought he was fucking Fenris and for once, he was right.

\---

“I didn’t know it could feel so good.” He murmured when he could speak again. It had felt incredible. His body was still thrumming with pleasure. How was this so different than how he’d been used before?

\---

He chuckled. “That was the best you’ve had?” Well then. He was flattered, though he didn’t think he’d done anything particularly amazing. “Maybe we can do it again…” Tonight.

\---

“Yes. It didn’t hurt...you were touching me…” He said this rather dreamily, as if it was something extraordinary he’d done. At the proposition, he nodded quickly, though he was thoroughly spent for the moment. “We can, that was amazing.”

\---

He pushed himself up a little, looking at him questioningly. “...Are you alright?” He was acting oddly. Unlike himself and though he’d already accepted that he didn’t really know him or what he was like, he seemed off. Surely it hadn’t been _that_ good? “You make it seem as if you’ve never had good sex before.”

\---

“Alright? I am much better than alright.” He felt great. He even smiled a little when he looked to him. Had he ever smiled at Anders before? “All this time I’ve been afraid to try that, but it was so _good_. I didn’t know how much I needed that.”

\---

He blinked at him, then understanding seemed to settle. It brought him back down onto the mattress, pressing his cheek into it. That was why he’d said he’d always taken… He didn’t know what to say, so he opted to say nothing. At least he’d taken it well… maybe he’d managed to help him. He supposed it was the least he could do, after how much he’d been helped himself.

\---

Fenris couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so content. So warm. He moved in closer to Anders, getting rid of the little space the mage had put between them and sought his lips once more. His kiss was no longer hungry, but soft and relaxing. What he’d intended for the night before he’d realized that Anders wanted sex.

\---

Despite agreeing that he wanted more sex, he wasn’t expecting him to come closer or to kiss him, but he gave him what he wanted. “Thank you,” he murmured against his lips. He would’ve thanked him before he’d learned what he had, but he felt like he owed it to him. He’d pushed him, perhaps regrettably, but he’d gone along for whatever reason and now they were both satisfied. Fenris even more so.

\---

“Thank _you_.” He kissed him again briefly, leaving their lips close enough to brush together. “Was it good for you? I’m long out of practice…”

\---

“Yeah, it was good.” He had a lot on his mind and so with a final brush of their lips, he turned to his back, slipping his arms beneath his head and looking up at the ceiling. He was beginning to feel guilty, but he’d known he would. He’d known from the moment he kissed him that he was doing something he might regret. He didn’t regret it yet, but he did feel like he’d done something he shouldn’t.

Yet still, he wanted to do it again.

\---

When Anders turned, Fenris shifted back to give him space. He was content to rest on the pillow, closing his eyes and relaxing in the afterglow of his pleasure. He’d rest that way a little while, then see if Anders was ready to go at it again.


	3. Chapter 3

After their long night of sex, Fenris was surprised to find that Anders became distant. He thought that the mage would want more from him, but it also made sense to him that he likely felt guilty about all that they had done. He left him alone, letting him hide away in his room when he wasn't checking in with Varric. He brought him proper bedding and he brought his meals by the door, but otherwise left Anders to sulk on his own.

Days had passed before the mage had requested he go to the clinic with him. He had no problem with it - it was not as if he had much to do with no work from Hawke and he didn't want the rogue to corner Anders in his clinic. He stayed out of the way the first day, but the second day, he found himself doing little things to help around the clinic. Near closing time, he helped to clean things up while Anders tended to a woman who had brought her small child along. The little girl had been behaving at the start, but the longer the examination went on, the more unruly she became. He could see that Anders was trying to focus and so he finally moved in, offering a hand to the little girl. “Come to the other table with me. I'll teach you how to play a game.” He wasn't sure the child would accept the invitation from a stranger, especially one like him, but she gaped at his tattoos and his ears for only a moment before she raised her arms for him to pick her up. He was surprised and a little amused that she would prefer that over taking his hand, but he lifted her and carried her away from the exam table so the mage could work.

\---

Anders was a mess. He was torn up about everything. About the reports he was getting from Varric. About the things he’d done with Fenris. About the last things he heard from Hawke and the last things he’d said in turn. He was lonely and with that loneliness came uncertainty. With uncertainty, he was considering returning to Hawke. It wouldn’t be long until they were at a week apart… maybe that was enough. Maybe they didn’t need a month.

The clinic helped. The daze of his mind began to clear as he distracted himself. His heart was still heavy, but he wasn’t cooped up and letting it weigh on the rest of him. He was grateful to Fenris for coming with him and ensuring that there would be no unfortunate encounters. His willpower was hanging by a thread and if Hawke were to come in and corner him, he might not have the strength to turn him away.

When the child of the woman he was examining was making a fuss, he didn’t really mind. It just made it harder to do what he needed to do. It was nothing he wasn’t use to and he was working through it, but he was surprised when the warrior came over and pulled her away so he could get his work done. He watched them briefly and then returned to what he was doing, having an easier time for it.

\---

The woman watched them as well, a bit wary, but when the simple game with the copper coin he started on the next table over got the girl giggling, she relaxed so Anders could continue his work. Fenris had never been around children, but he'd watched them play on Danarius’ estate and had liked them. He could keep this one busy while Anders finished, then help the mage to clean up.

\---

With Fenris’ help, it didn’t take him long at all to finish up. When he was done, he saw the woman and her daughter off. Then he began cleaning up. As he did so, he looked over at the elf. “Thanks for your help.” He appreciated it. It was nice to see him do so well with the girl.

\---

“You're welcome.” He hadn't minded and it did help the end of the exam go by much faster. He helped him to clean up, working close to the mage since he'd cleaned the rest of the clinic through the day. “You seem a lot better here than you've been in your room.” Not happy, but better.

\---

He kept his eyes on his work. “It’s easier to keep myself distracted here.” He was better, but he wasn’t doing well. “I’d like to come again tomorrow, but if you have something else to do, that’s alright.”

\---

“We can come back tomorrow. Perhaps it is good for both of us to get out.” He looked to him for a long moment, then got back to work. “...When I first got away from Danarius I felt...empty. I didn't miss him and I definitely didn't miss the way he treated me. But after years at his side all day and night I felt deeply lonely when I was on my own. I knew it was crazy and that I didn't want to go back to him. But it took time to really recover from those feelings. If that's what you're feeling now...I think it will get better for you as well.”

\---

He frowned, his eyes fixing harder on what he was doing. Though what he was doing wasn’t much of anything. “It’s not the same.” It was similar, though. He wished that it wasn’t, but it was. “Is that why you’ve changed? Why you’re being so…” He didn’t even know what to call it. Attentive? Not really accurate, but the only way he could think to describe it. “You feel some kind of, what? Camaraderie with me?”

\---

“Yes.” That was the basis of this change of heart. He wouldn’t have expected it, but it had happened as soon as he saw Hawke hit Anders like a disobedient slave. “I know it’s different, but I still thought my experience might be of some help, at least.”

\---

“And all the things you didn’t like about me? It is so easy for you to put those aside?” They’d come to hate each other in the time they’d known each other. Surely it wasn’t so simple for him to change his feelings. If it was, how could he have possibly taken such an offense to him in the first place?

\---

“It was worth it for me to cast aside my apprehensions about you to stand up for what I believe in. That you deserve to be treated as an equal person _especially_ by someone you are in a relationship with.” He found a bit of dried blood on the edge of a table and he smirked slightly as he scrubbed at it. “It was a gamble, but so far you have not once become a blood mage or set me on fire since I’ve offered my home to you. So I have been able to put it aside, yes.”

\---          

He quirked an eyebrow. “There was plenty more that you didn’t like about me. I am no less passionate about the struggle of mages.” Though it had been a long time since he’d ranted about it. He’d been forced to keep quiet when things had taken such a sharp turn with Hawke. “Nor am I any less passionate about the part you play in putting my kind in chains.” The words slipped out and he stopped what he was doing entirely. “...I don’t understand you. You’ve caused so much harm, but you’ve done so much to help me. I’m no different than they are.”

\---

Fenris looked up from his work at him. “You’re different than _some_ of them. I wouldn’t have thought that I would help you in anything, really. Especially not at Hawke’s expense. But seeing what happened that day changed that and stopping him from hurting you was more important than you being a mage.”

\---

“I blamed you, you know. For why he’s become the way he is. For the intensity of his hatred and how it turned him into what he is now. I tried to encourage him to focus on the man and you encouraged him to focus on the mage.” No, he didn’t know how much he’d really ‘encouraged’ him, but his support for what he was doing was enough. “There are many reasons I hated you, but none so much as that.”

\---

“I’m surprised you’re speaking in past tense.” He watched him curiously. “You probably still blame me and probably still hate me. I still think it’s as much the demon in that man as the man himself that killed Leandra. I encouraged him to do something about the blood mage threat. But I never once encouraged him to harm you. I know it doesn’t make up for joining him in hunting mages, but I expected that he treated you properly since he’d taken you as his lover and that’s why I wouldn’t stand for it when I saw that wasn’t the case.”

\---

“What difference does it make? I don’t like blood mages any more than you do, but they are not inherently evil.” Merrill was the best example he had of that. Merrill was not evil, but she was a danger. She was naive and it was possible, probable even, that she would one day lose control, but she wasn’t a bad person. “I don’t think they should be killed on sight. If you let yourself think that way, if you justify that, then what’s to stop you from going further? From killing any mage on sight? Don’t act like you draw a line at blood mages, Fenris. It has always irked you to help mages at all.”

He sounded hurt. He was speaking to Fenris, but deep down, he was really talking to someone else.

\---

“It’s true. I want blood mages dead on sight and I’ve never wanted to help mages.” Fenris would admit freely enough that the line he drew between mages and blood mages was very blurred. Sometimes non-existent. “Then I helped you. I’m not sure what that means yet.” He’d helped his least favorite mage in Kirkwall and it had felt like the right thing to do.

\---

It didn’t mean anything. He’d helped him for a reason that had nothing to do with what he was. What he didn’t understand was why he’d kissed him. Why he’d fucked him. Anders knew why he’d done it himself, but he hadn’t a clue what has possessed Fenris to go along. Especially considering what he’d learned after the fact. “It took you seeing my treatment to care, but if you’d listened to anything I said, you’d know that the way Hawke treats me is no different from how a templar might treat me.”

It struck him strangely, saying it out loud. He seemed to stop seeing, to turn inward, but he quickly shook the thought.

\---

“The mages I knew lived in extreme decadence. It isn’t easy for me to believe that templars treat mages almost as badly as slaves.” He’d raised his brows at the comparison between Hawke and a templar. “How Hawke treats you is probably worse than a templar might - he claims to love you and expects you to love him in return. At least templars will likely settle for obedience.”

\---

“Better or worse, it depends on the templar.” He shook his head. “I don’t know why we’re discussing this. I think we’ve done enough cleaning. Let’s go home.” It wasn’t his home and it wasn’t his room, but while he had nowhere else to go, that’s the way he was looking at it.

\---

“I only meant to offer reassurance.” It was the reason he’d spoken up to him in the first place. He put the cleaning supplies away and moved to wait near the door, giving Anders time to do what he needed to do to lock up for the night.

\---

He watched him solemnly, then finished up what he’d been working on. He came to the door, key in hand, ready to lock it, but he stopped before they could step out. “I don’t want to fight with you.” He didn’t consider this a fight, but he wanted him to know that in spite of all he said, he wasn’t trying to escalate anything.

\---

“I don’t either.” All they used to do was fight. With these new developments with Hawke, fighting was pointless. Not that fighting with him up until now had ever accomplished anything. “There is a phrase I’ve heard used in this country. To kiss and make up.” He closed what little distance there was between him, giving him a firm, but brief kiss.

\---

He held his breath and then let it out shakily, heating their lips. He looked at him and with another, equally shaky breath, he leaned in and gave him another kiss, his hands lifting as if to clutch at his cheeks, but stopping just before. Hovering.

\---

Fenris saw the hesitation in him and he used his own hands to guide Anders’ to rest on his cheeks. He answered his kiss readily, this time letting it linger and even parting his lips in invitation to deepen it. This was far better than fighting with him.

\---

The key was still in his hand, so the metal pressed against one of his cheeks, but he didn’t care. He took the invitation, pressing closer, letting him take his weight. This was certainly a way to make up, wasn’t it?

\---

It was a relief that Anders was open to this, as this could have started a fight instead of mending one. He greeted the mage’s tongue with his own, finding it easy to get lost in it as he had on the night they’d spent enjoying each other’s bodies. He didn’t mind the key pressed into his cheek at all, simply too caught up in Anders’ mouth to care.

\---

He broke the kiss and turned his head to look at the door. He moved to it, making sure it was shut and locking it. Then he turned to look at the elf, but rather than go back to him, he stayed where he was. Watching him. Leaning back into the door, waiting to see what he would do.

\---

Fenris watched him, curious as to why he’d left the distance between him. Still, it was a good enough sign that he’d locked them inside. The elf moved in once more and sought his lips again, pressing his weight into him and pinning him to the door.

\---

He made a sound, soft and subtle, and his arms slid around his waist, feeling assured from the weight. He kissed him deeply, eager to get back to where they were before, their tongues mingling.

\---

He melted right back into his kiss, hungry to taste his tongue once more. His hands had lost their timidness after their night together and they wandered him now, stroking over his sides through his robes. He’d never used intimacy like this to help with his own loneliness after escaping from Danarius, but perhaps it would help with Anders’. Perhaps it would help with his own lingering loneliness that he refused to acknowledge.

\---

He shivered, craving the touches on his skin. He drew back a hand so he could loosen his robes, shrugging them off and letting them collect around the belt at his waist. That made the metal from the warrior’s armor press into him and it chilled him, but he knew that he could warm him back up.

\---

His hands greedily wandered the skin that had been revealed to him, getting his fill of it before he returned the favor. He worked at the fastenings of his armor, letting it clatter to the floor as the pieces fell away. He made a hungry sound against his lips when he pressed in close again and felt the heat of Anders’ skin on his chest.

\---

He groaned, wrapping him up in his arms. The skin against skin did so much for him. He couldn’t get close enough to him and his kisses became all the more intense the longer they went on. As they had that night, his fingers seemed to want to trace the tattoos and he found himself rubbing the tips of them into where they were deepest.

\---

The tattoos were so sensitive and he moaned, starting to shiver the longer he rubbed them. He pressed his hips into him, starting to grind and finding it a little funny that his body was so eager after just one pleasant night in bed with someone. Anders had given him a taste of blood that night and now he was hungry for more.

\---

He met his grinding, unable to get enough of their bodies pressing together. The warmth. The heat. The friction. His cock was thickening and he one of his hands fell to find his ass and squeeze it. To use the grip to help his grinding.

\---

He broke the kiss to press his lips along his jaw, finding a place to nip him and liking the feel of his stubble. He pressed into him harder when the hand squeezed him, quickly thickening as well. He wanted the lower layers of clothing between them gone, but even the simple grinding felt so good.

\---

Anders tipped his head, encouraging the kisses. He shouldn’t be encouraging any of this, but in the heat of the moment, he didn’t care. “Let’s go to my cot,” he breathed, since there was oil there. Oil from back when Hawke use to come to see him and they’d fuck and try to share the tiny space.

\---

Fenris was reluctant to release him, rather liking him pinned to the door this way. But the cot would likely be more comfortable and so he let him go to head for the mage’s private nook in the clinic. He started to strip out of his trousers, hard and eager for him.

\---

He saw what he was doing and hastened to do the same, letting his robes fall into a heap. He came up behind him as they reached the cot and he slid his arm around him to take hold of him and stroke while he pressed kisses to his shoulder.

\---

He drew a sharp breath when he was stroked, not expecting Anders to take hold of him from behind. His lyrium flickered and he breathed a low moan, his hand moving to slide into his hair, encouraging him to keep up the kisses. He pressed back into him, murmuring something soft in Tevene.

\---

He made a sound and his mouth closed over a line, sucking on it. It wasn’t the kisses he wanted, but he was hungry for his skin and what sat just beneath it. He didn’t know what he was saying, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he sounded sexy.

\---

He heard the sound he’d made before sucking on his tattoo and out of curiosity, he let his lyrium flicker to life again. He began to rock into the strokes of his hand, groaning under his breath while he was worked. “So good…” He murmured to him, knowing it was going to get much better once they really got going.

\---

He gasped and then slid his other arm around him, pulling him back against him. He couldn’t get enough contact, but his mouth, more than anything, was hungry. Sucking hard, marking him and then sucking harder still, bruising him. His hand even stopped stroking, just squeezing him.

\---

Fenris didn't really mind the rough treatment from his mouth, but his hips gave a needy rock when he stopped stroking. “Do you like them better lit up?” He asked, bringing the glow back into his tattoos and letting it stay this time.

\---

“Maker, yes,” he breathed, his cock pressing solidly to the small of his back. It felt incredible. He didn’t know what was happening, but all that mattered was getting as much contact as possible. He moved up his shoulder a little, found a fresh spot to suck, his tongue pressing into the line.

\---

He groaned softly, enjoying this desperate hold on him with his hands and his mouth. It made him feel...sexy, though he knew that right now it was the lyrium he was after. “Do you want to feel it inside of you?” He’d enjoyed both giving and taking last time and he was up for either, but he wanted to see how Anders would react to be fucked with active lyrium.

\---

He tightened his arms around him. “Yes.” He gave the cock he was holding another squeeze. It felt so good in his hand… how would it feel inside of him? Fenris had fucked him that night. His first time fucking anyone. It’d been pretty good, as much as it could be with someone who scarcely knew what they were doing, but he had a feeling that this would feel incredible. “How do you want me?”

\---

“Lay down with your legs over the edge of the cot. I want to enjoy the view.” It would mean less contact between them for at least part of the affair. But he'd be able to get in so deeply and Anders might think that was worth that sacrifice.

\---

That sounded good to him. He dug for a bottle of oil and finding one, he offered it to the elf. Then he laid down as he was told, resting his feet flat on the ground opening his legs to him.

\---

Fenris took the oil, coating himself with it and then coating Anders as well as he settled between his thighs. He wondered how good it felt to have the lyrium in his palms running over his body so he didn't stop there, rubbing oil over his sack and his entrance as well.

\---

He made a sound, his hands gripping the edge of the cot, his legs opening even more. His cock was even harder, eager for all of his touches, not just the ones offered to it. He’d spend all day taking care of others, now it was his turn to be taken care of. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d just been taken care of.

\---

He didn't want to tease him for too long, but he could see he was enjoying what he was getting so he continued to coat the entire area in oil, making it something of a massage. Finally, he took himself in hand, putting his tip to Anders’ entrance and rather liking the way the glow from his skin lit up the mage's flesh. “Ready?”

\---

He nodded, his toes already clenched in anticipation. He looked down between them, staring his glowing cock. It was magical. Ridiculous and magical. He wanted to watch it disappear inside him and so he couldn’t tear his eyes away.

\---

The elf began to press inside of him, taking his time to sink into him decadently. He was so warm and it drew a groan from him. He started to thrust, enjoying watching himself draw out of him so far, then sink back inside to the hilt. It wasn't long before he was demanding some flexibility from Anders, urging him to raise his legs and rest them on his shoulders. It let him tip his hips back enough to press deep inside of him at the height of his thrusts.

\---

He made a whimpering sound, his eyes slamming shut. “Oh Maker.” He brought the back of a hand up to cover his mouth, fallen open. He moaned and then held his breath, the long, luxurious thrusts so mind numbing. He was barely aware of the change in the position, but he was very aware of the depth it allowed.

\---

He had such an incredible view like this, which was exactly why he'd wanted to stand to take him. He could watch his body take his cock, but he could also watch the mage’s face while he was lost in pleasure. The sex alone was good, but clearly being fucked with lyrium was taking it even further for Anders. He took his cock in a glowing hand, stroking him as decadently as he fucked him.

\---

He couldn’t stop moaning, especially when his cock was treated to the same stimulation. He squirmed and the hand that busy wasn’t muffling himself moved to clutch at his arm. The arm stroking him. The fact that he was taking his time meant that he could enjoy this even more and he was butter on his bed.

\---

He felt so good - fucking him was insane and watching the man melting and writhing beneath him was even better. He moaned and watched the hand clutching him, waiting to see if he was going to try to stop his stroking, but realized he was just clinging to him. “You look so good like this…”

\---

He looked to him and his eyes were filled with heat and gratitude. It felt so good like this. He couldn’t remember the last time it felt this good and though most of that was thanks to the lyrium, a lot of it was also thanks to his choices. “So good,” he agreed, breathless, his voice almost a sigh.

\---

He smirked when their eyes met, the look he gave him giving him a deep wave of pleasure. He needed more so he finally started to fuck him harder, his free hand gripping one of Anders’ hips to brace him for the new pace and impact. He swore under his breath in Tevene, unable to understand how this could feel so good and squeezing his cock while he stroked him.

\---

“Please, please.” He cried, writhing, doing what he could to not completely throw him off rhythm. He couldn’t take his eyes off of him. He looked so stunning, as beautiful as he was making him feel. He gave up on trying to muffle himself and he reached for him, needing to touch him.

\---

When Anders reached for him, he lowered his legs a little to let them drape around his hips instead of his shoulders and bent over him. It sacrificed his gorgeous view and some of the depth, but he wanted the contact as well. With his stronger thrusts, the difference in depth wasn’t all that noticeable anyway. He kissed his chest as he bent over him, his lips seeking one of his nipples and latching onto it while he pounded into him.

\---

His back arched and he clung to him, both with his legs and with his hands. He watched him for as long as he could, but the pleasure was so potent that he had to shut his eyes and tip his head back. The elf had his entire body singing for him and whatever he’d thought of sex of him before, he was completely blown away.

As it so happened, it was only a little longer before he was blowing his load too.

\---

Fenris only released the nipple he’d been sucking when he felt Anders start to cum, groaning deeply as his release sent him rushing toward his own. His hips began to buck wildly and he rammed into him desperately for a few more moments before his seed spilled heavily inside of him. He was still gasping for air and still glowing with lyrium when he pulled out of him, crawling over him on the cot to give him a breathless but needy kiss.

\---

He tightened his arms around him as he came over him. “Fenris,” he murmured, kissing him hungrily. Even having just cum, he was hungry. That had been incredible and he wanted to have him again. Right here in this cot.

\---

He kissed him with just as much hunger, wondering if he might become addicted to having the mage if they kept this up. “Kissing and making up with you is much better than fighting.” Whoever had come up with that was a wise man. Though maybe fucking wasn’t exactly part of it.

\---

His lips pulled up. He wasn’t sure the last time that he’d smile or at least when he’d smiled and meant it. He smiled for his patients, but those smiles were forced. “Much better,” he agreed, hand stroking over his side slowly. “That was really good.” Really good.

\---

“It was for me too.” He could see the difference in this smile compared to the false ones he offered his patients and he kissed him once more. “But the lyrium in my skin seemed to make a big difference for you. I can do that for you if you want to do this again.”

\---

“It felt _incredible_.” His fingers couldn’t help but find a line to touch having brought it up. “I didn’t know your lyrium could do that.” He couldn’t even say what it was doing. It felt like lyrium was singing to him, like it was alive in his skin. He supposed it was, otherwise why would it glow the way it did? Why would it do what it did? He just had never thought about it.

“I want you again.”

\---

“I didn’t know it could either.” He closed his eyes serenely, enjoying the feel of his fingers. He hadn’t been touched in so long before the mage started staying with him and this touch was so much different from the one he’d always known. “Then you can have me again. I chose last time, you can choose how we do this now.” He liked that they felt like equals in bed and could switch roles as they pleased.

\---

He smiled. “Then first I want to kiss you.” He pulled him back into a kiss and this time he held onto it, wanting to get lost in this before they got lost in the rest of it. He knew that it would be much like their first night together - they wouldn’t be done until they were too exhausted to continue.


	4. Chapter 4

It was a long, hot night in the clinic and they ended up too tired for the walk home. They cuddled close to share the small cot when they’d gotten off for the last time that night. It was nice and Fenris had actually gotten a little sleep. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept outside of his home.

The walk home late the next morning was quiet but pleasant and he found himself wondering if Anders was going to shut himself in his room once more. He hoped not, but he had the first time they spent the night fucking. He was getting used to be being around another person and it was...better than the silence he was used to through his days.

When they got home, they both wanted to get cleaned up but since they would need something to eat soon, Fenris bathed first so he could start preparing their meal while Anders took his turn. He wasn’t much of a cook, but the woman he bought his meals from had taught him to make a few things on his own. He was working on something that looked impressive but he’d found out was rather simple, working up a stuffing of bread, vegetables, and bacon and using it to stuff pieces of duck he’d bought from a butcher earlier in the week.

\---

After Anders finished his bath and he gave his robes a thorough cleaning, he’d started towards his room. He didn’t feel like he could go anywhere else in the mansion and he moved without thinking. When he actually arrived at it, however, he found that it felt awkward. After all of Fenris’ help and everything that had happened, it would be odd if he just cooped himself up, wouldn’t it? It wouldn’t help him and it would just make things weird, so with a little hesitance, he decided to look for him.

He peeked into his room, but he wasn’t there, which must’ve meant he was still cooking. He went to the kitchen instead and sure enough, he saw him working. He wasn’t sure what to say and so rather than say anything, he simply stood in the archway and watched him.

\---

He heard Anders’ approach and he turned his head to look at him. The corners of his lips turned up slightly - perhaps Anders was learning to enjoy his company as well if he was seeking him out. “Don’t let me fool you into thinking that I know what I’m doing. This is one of three recipes I know that aren’t as simple as ‘throw things in a pan together and cook them until they are no longer raw’. “

\---

Since he was noticed, he stepped further into the room. “It looks good.” He came close enough that he could see what he was doing clearly. He found a spot where he wasn’t in the way, but he could linger near enough and lean into a counter. “I appreciate you cooking at all.”

\---

“I enjoy it, though I haven’t practiced very often.” He mused as he got back to work, chopping herbs to work into the stuffing. “I’ve never had anyone else to cook for. It is usually easier to just go buy something to eat or make something simple. It’s nice to have a reason to make something better.”

\---

“Perhaps you ought to have people over more. I’m sure the others would enjoy your cooking as much as I do.” He didn’t really know how often he had visitors, but he’d never known him to be especially social.

\---

“You’re starting to sound like the dwarf. He’s always trying to get me to socialize more.” He mixed the fresh seasonings into the pot, giving it a slow stir. “Perhaps he is right. It has been nice having you here.”

\---

“I see how it is. Giving credit from my suggestion to Varric.” He was a little surprised that he considered him good company, since they’d barely interacted outside of sex. All they’d really done together was hang out in the clinic and even then, it had been the bare minimum of interaction.

\---

“It’s hard to make a suggestion that he hasn’t already made. He talks enough to make sure of that.” He put the stuffing over the fire once more, making the kitchen fragrant with the new seasonings as it began to heat up. “But if I do decide to invite anyone else over for dinner someday, I’ll tell them it was your idea.”

\---

“That’s all I ask.” This light conversation was nice. He was realizing that he couldn’t remember the last time he’d had light conversation. It had to have been with Varric, hadn’t it? He couldn’t remember when though, not with how he’d been so caught up in trying to help and heal Hawke.

\---

When the stuffing was tender enough, he grabbed the pieces of duck meat he’d sliced open while Anders had bathed and began to stuff them. “I hate to use up all of my cooking tricks in one day, but tonight I’ll make dessert. The apples I got the other day are just ripe enough now to make it.” He didn’t think he’d ever in his life had someone to talk to like this. Simple, unimportant conversation. It was strange, but he had a feeling that it was good for both of them.

\---

“I suppose you’ll just have to learn more.” The food was smelling good and he moved a little closer so he could really see and smell it. “I can cook a little myself, but probably not much more than you can.” He’d learned some things here and there, but he’d never really had the opportunity to make a large meal.

\---

“You should teach me what you know.” It might be easier to learn from him than to learn from Margo, busy as the woman was. “Then I’ll have a few more tricks up my sleeve.” He looked down to his gauntlet, that didn’t really count as a sleeve. It was another funny phrase he’d picked up, though he didn’t like it nearly as much as ‘kiss and make up’.

\---

“I don’t think you’d be particularly impressed by what I know.” But he could cook a meal for him. He ought to, really, after everything. He hadn’t shown him much gratefulness and he knew that he needed to. He was grateful, it was just difficult to do more than shut himself away, but it seemed that much had changed. At least a little. He’d been a sponge on his resources and he would pay him back when the month was up.

\---

“That is alright. I’d still like to learn. I can show you what I know in return if you want.” Though he didn’t know if Anders had much interest in cooking, but the offer was there anyway. He finished the last of the duck pieces, using a bit of stuffing he’d mashed up to ‘seal’ each piece before setting them up to roast over the fire.

\---

“Alright. We’ll share secrets.” He wouldn’t mind learning how to make this meal. It really did look good. “Do you need me to do anything?” He could have offered sooner, but maybe now that he was nearing done, he could wash up for him.

\---

“No, I’m alright.” He was used to doing it alone and he carried all of his supplies over to the wash basin. “I don’t have any secrets about washing dishes, but if you can help if you like.”

\---

He followed him over to the basin. “I can dry.” It was something. He looked around for a drying cloth and when he saw one, he grabbed it, ready to go.

\---

It seemed like an easy enough way to share the duty. He washed each piece and handed them to Anders to dry as he finished them. “All the more reason to have company over. I’ve never had help with the dishes, that was a lot faster.”

\---

Since he didn’t know where any of it went, he just stacked the dishes as he dried them. “Yeah, it helps when you have someone to share the work with.” When was the last time he and Hawke had cooked together? He’d taken to cooking for him and cleaning up afterwards. He had to stop thinking about all of that stuff. “How long until it’s ready?” Probably sometime yet, he just wasn’t sure what to do in that time.

\---

“Not long, but too long to just stand here and wait.” He dried his hands when he was finished and looked to him. “Want to have a drink?” It was early in the day to start, but that had never stopped him before.

\---

“Yeah, sure.” A little drink didn’t hurt. He didn’t have anywhere to be, after all. “Have you ever considered branching out from wine?” He’d seen from his collection of bottles that it was what he drank exclusively.

\---

“I do occasionally. I don't like ale, but I do like liquors. Wine is best though. I guess I have a bit of a sweet tooth - even the mixed drinks I like best are sweet.” He chuckled softly as he pulled a bottle of wine and two glasses, the sound rare to his own ears. “I don't doubt that some of it is spite though. The way I'd pine for a sip from my master's goblet, just to have something that tasted better than the slave fare I was used to. Now I have all the wine I could want and that makes it taste _much_ sweeter.” He pulled the cork from the bottle with practiced ease and poured generously for each of them.

\---

His considered him. “I actually understand that. So much gold was spent to keep everyone ‘safe’ from us, food was not an expense they could be bothered with. It was easy for them to save gold when they justified restricting our diets ‘for our health’. Of course, there was always enough coin for the templars to eat well. We had enough to eat, sure, but it was all bland. No seasoning. When we were given vegetables or fruit, it was only in an attempt to make sure we didn’t end up malnourished and we were never allowed to eat such things for enjoyment. After all that, it’s hard not to indulge when you can.”

He hummed. “We weren’t allowed alcohol, either, but that didn’t stop us from sneaking around with it.”

\---

“That sounds familiar. As a bodyguard I was offered a high protein diet, so I got nasty looks from the slaves living on bread and oil when I was given meat. But it was always bland. The only food I got that had any color or seasoning was the table scraps my master would feed me from his plate if the mood struck him.” He handed him one of the glasses, then sipped his own. “A woman caught me sleeping in her field after I escaped and made me a proper meal for the very first time. I was so grateful but I was throwing it up before I even finished what she'd given me. Funny how I craved food and drink with flavor so badly but it took my body time to tolerate it once I could have it.”

\---

He took the glass from him, but didn’t sip it. He was too busy listening to what he had to say and he felt a welling of sympathy for him. “Well, to finally being able to eat and drink whatever you like.” He raised  his glass, not really expecting him to do the same, and then he took a deep drink.

\---

Fenris raised his glass as well. “To eating whatever we like.” He took a deep drink after Anders and lead the way toward the living room where he spent the majority of his time. “What was the first thing you ate when you escaped?”

\---

Anders followed after him and though  it felt strange actually stepping into the room, he was able to find a spot to settle with his wine. “I guess that depends on what you mean. My first escape? Or my last escape?” He’d had many escapes to different effects.

\---

Fenris set his glass down, then moved to the fireplace to get it started. “That is a good question. Both. The first and the last.” Both were probably very good meals.

\---

He sipped his wine. “My first escape… It was an apple. It was the only thing I ate while I was escaped. Tossed to me by some woman who took pity on me.” He hadn’t stayed escaped for long the first time. “The last time, a sweet cake I swiped from a baker selling his wares.” It had been too tempting and he’d been unable to resist.

\---

“Apples are one of my favorites. There are a lot of sweet fruits in Tevinter, but I rarely got to taste them. I was glad to find apples are plentiful here and not one of the more expensive imported fruits at the market.” He said a bit wistfully. “Were they the sweetest apple and cake you’ve ever eaten?”

\---

He considered it. “Unfortunately, no. When I ate the apple, I had greater things on my mind and truthfully, I was terrified.” He’d been a young boy trying to get home with no idea of how to get there. “When I ate the cake, it was just another escape. I didn’t know it would be my last or what would happen if I was caught again, not after what happened the last time I was caught.” He shrugged. “Freedom is a sweet thing and I was more consumed by having it than anything I actually found with it.”

\---

“I can see why you’d feel that way.” He said after a moment of thought. He sipped at his wine before he spoke up again. “I think it took a while for freedom itself to have any sweetness for me. I didn’t know how to be free. I had a taste of it when my master abandoned me once and fog warriors took me in. But the moment Danarius turned up again, I was obeying his orders. At great cost. I guess I had to be on the run for some time before I could enjoy anything beyond the smaller things that come with freedom. Like a good meal or watching the stars.”

\---

“It is sad that either of us can say these things. The world is cruel and unjust…” Bitterness came over him and he drowned it away in another deep drink. Freedom was something so basic, so necessary, and yet so many lived their lives without it. “All we can do is our best to make it a little more just. A little less cruel.”

\---

“There is no end to the cruelty of the world. Which is why I prefer to live out my freedom and enjoy my wine.” He swirled what was left in his glass. “I’m grateful you taught me another part of freedom I’d been too afraid to explore in the time I’ve been out of Tevinter. I understand now how much pleasure I have missed out on in my life.”

\---

“I think there could be.” It was all he had to say on it, though. He didn’t want to argue morality or the responsibility that came with it, not with him. “In some way I feel that I pushed you. I am glad it was helpful, not harmful. I’m sure if you’d not learned it with me, you likely would’ve learned it with another. Isabela, perhaps.”

\---

“She tried.” He said with a chuckle under his breath. “She pushed much harder than you did. but when she realized that all I knew of sex was being a bedslave to a man who got off on cruelty, she wanted no part of it. It was different with you. I felt like letting you have what you wanted from me was what you needed. It just turned out to be what I needed as well.”

\---

“I could see why it would be difficult for her.” It would’ve been difficult for him too, truthfully. If he’d known, he might not have continued. “I did need it, but it would not have been worth it if it had hurt you.” He truly was glad that it hadn’t. He didn’t know what he would’ve done if he’d caused him trauma by way of trying to work past his own.

\---

“I would not have expected anyone to be patient enough to help me work through all of that.” Especially not Isabela. “But it seems all I had to do was to ignore my fears and use my body for the good of someone else. Which is rather ironic, since my pain stemmed from my body always being used for someone else. But you made it so good and...well, that first time might have been for you. But all of the other times were for me.”

\---

“No, I’m sure someone would have. Someone would have grown affectionate towards you and you would’ve return their feelings. They would’ve helped you.” It might’ve taken a lot longer for him to get to this point, but he didn’t doubt he would’ve gotten there. It was hard for him to listen to, though, so he didn’t want to linger on the topic. “Love is the next thing you’ll have to learn.” It was a wonderful thing, but he’d found that it could also be a terrible thing.

\---

At that he laughed, the sound of it genuinely amused and a rarity coming from him. “Affectionate towards me? Have you had too much wine?” He finished off what was left in his own glass. “You’re expecting a lot of someone if you think they might love me. Sex is one thing, affection is very different.”

\---

He rolled his eyes. “You only say that because you would push anyone that might love you away.” The way he was? Absolutely. “You are attractive and, as I’ve learned, you do actually have the ability to be kind and even pleasant, even if most of the time you choose to pretend otherwise.” He shrugged. “Someone will love you. You just have to stop staying alone all the time and give yourself the opportunity to meet them.”

\---

“Maybe after all this I won’t want to spend so much time alone.” He looked to him, growing a bit more serious again. “Since love is a part of freedom you’ve experienced and I haven’t, tell me what you know of it. What would you wish someone had told you about love before you found it for yourself?”

\---

He fixed on his glass, his heart heavy. “I don’t know. I suppose I never really understood how consuming it was. All the stories speak of it, but I think it’s hard to understand until you experience it for yourself. How all of your concern for yourself fades away and all you care about is them. Anything to make them happy, anything to make them smile. It’s blinding.” He’d gotten in so deep and he was still in so deep, he couldn’t imagine life without him. He didn’t want to.

\---

He frowned at that and cocked his head. “Really? Is that what it’s like?” It didn’t sound like the romantic tales Varric was always prattling on about in the tavern. “It sounds a lot like serving a master.”

\---

“It’s not. You do it because you want to and they want to do the same for you. You’re equals.” He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt Hawke’s equal and he had to hold back the emotion welling in him.

\---

“I guess that’s the defining difference, isn’t it? That they give just as much back to you.” He could see Anders was struggling with the topic and without thinking, he reached between their chairs to set a hand on his. “You deserve that equality you speak of in your relationship.”

\---

He saw the movement from his peripheral and he fidgeted when the felt the touch. He looked down at the hand and then up to him, his jaw trembling then tightening. “Perhaps I will receive it when I return to him.” Perhaps not. If not, he was going to have to learn to live without him, wasn’t he? Even though he loved him and wanted a life with him.

\---

“Perhaps.” He doubted it. He didn’t think a month was enough to change Hawke, but he wouldn’t voice that thought. Anders was suffering enough and only time would tell. He gave his hand a squeeze, then released it before he rose. “I’ll check on our ducks and I think we both could use a little more wine.”

\---

He nodded and with that in mind, he finished off the rest of his glass. He set it aside and then sat back, shutting his eyes. He was upset, the reminders that his relationship was so… wrong... They hurt. He wanted to believe that Hawke loved him, but it felt closer to an obsession than love.

\---

Fenris returned with the wine bottle and poured more for each of them. “Not quite ready.” But he’d turned them in time that they’d have a good sear. “I didn’t mean to bring up anything painful, but maybe it will help you to talk about it. About what was right about your love with him and what is wrong now.”

\---

He opened his eyes when he heard him coming back and he quietly thanked him for the refill. He frowned and he thumbed the stem of his glass, the subtlest way he could vent how he felt. “It’s humiliating. I know nothing that needed to happen would’ve if you hadn’t been there, but it doesn’t make it easier to have someone witness those things. That’s not what it’s supposed to be like and it’s humiliating.” He had more shame being struck than Hawke did being the striker.

\---

Fenris took his seat again, listening with a frown. “I think that is the worst of the problem - he didn't hit you to hurt you. He meant to humiliate you in front of me. It is one thing to lash out in anger and need to hurt someone. It is another to need to make them feel small. Has something happen that would make him feel insecure?”

\---

“I don’t know.” He wasn’t sure if he was willing to talk about this. To anyone and especially to Fenris. “He’s always been angry and insecure. It seems the longer we are together, the less he cares to control himself.” Then everything happened with Leandra. “There is nothing I’ve done to deserve his ire, but I seem to earn it constantly.” It was a bit of an exaggeration, but not much.

\---

“If he has been that way from the start and only worsening, there may be nothing you can do to help him. He may not be able to fix it himself, not if that insecurity is part of who he is.” He sipped his wine and sighed. “But this time away from him is the best thing you can do for him. If he really has the motivation and ability to do better, he will. If you can keep your distance the entire month, he'll know you really do have the strength to leave him if he can't treat you right.”

\---

“...I don’t know that I do.” He’d already been tempted to go back to him. To see how he was for himself and to try see if they could talk about this. “I know if he doesn’t change, I have to. For myself. It’s just… he has my heart. Even this distance is difficult.”

\---

“You _need_ to. You will both be miserable if he can't change. It's not ever going to be love like you described it to me. I know he's cared less and less about improving...but do you think he's been happy?” Fenris watched him solemnly. “I don't think he could treat you like he does if he was happy.”

\---

He frowned. “He’s not, but leaving him isn’t going to make him happy, either.” He looked into his wine. “If he found happiness elsewhere, I… I wouldn’t stop him.” If Hawke took advantage of this break and found someone that made him feel better in a way that he couldn’t, he would accept it. It would hurt, but if it was what he needed, he’d let him do what he needed to do.

\---

“I doubt he will. Find someone else or even look for some way to be happy.” He swirled his wine, watching the fireplace. “I think he’s a little like me in that way. Misery is familiar. Comfortable. It’s hard to try to branch out and do anything else.”

\---

“Then if he’s not going to be happy regardless, I can at least try to help him. He is happy with me at least sometimes.” It was better than no happiness at all, wasn’t it? Sometimes even he was happy himself, it just was less and less as time passed. “Knowing what I need to do and doing it are two different things.”

\---

“I understand that. ...To a degree anyway.” He had never had anything so grand to lose. But he also knew what it was to know what he should do and hadn’t been able to do it. “You need to be happy as well. You need someone who _cares_ that you’re happy as well and it might not be something he’s capable of anymore.”

\---

He took a deep drink of the wine and then he had to lift a hand to cover his eyes. When that wasn’t enough, he set the glass down to cover his face with both hands.

\---

“Anders…” He so seldom said his name, though he’d moaned it a handful of times in bed. He found himself acting on instinct, doing as he’d been trained to respond in the rare moments Danarius let himself be vulnerable and drew comfort from him. He left his chair and crawled into Anders’ lap instead, drawing him in by his shoulders and running his fingers through his hair. There was something a bit timid in it - a performance he was _much_ less familiar with than his usual orders for fighting or fucking. But he would soothe him if he could.

\---

He was startled when the weight settled on his lap and his hands fell from his face to hover in the air as he leaned back. There wasn’t anywhere to go, though, and he was being pulled the opposite way, against him. He didn’t react for a beat and then his hands slowly lowered, letting himself fall into him. He trembled, but there was no point in holding back the tears, so he didn’t. He began to cry, which in of itself was humiliating, but he hadn’t been comforted in a long time.

\---

Fenris held him as he began to weep, stroking his hair rhythmically as let him get his emotions out. He began to murmur to him something very soft in Tevene, not a song but something like a poem meant to be lilting and comforting. Something he’d learned from another slave. He knew it would help if he could understand him, but the sound of the poem itself might help.

\---

Anders didn’t know what he was saying or why he was saying it, but it did sound nice. The rhythm of it was soothing and slid his arms around him, resting his head against his shoulder and trying to simply listen to him. To forget everything that was weighing so heavily on him.

\---

He kept going when it seemed to be helping, going through all the verses he remembered and then starting over. He rested his cheek against the top of his head, making himself comfortable while they held each other. It had been a long time since he’d tried to offer someone comfort, but he knew it would be much less effective if he was fidgeting. Better to settle in and let Anders’ body tell him when he’d done enough.

\---

He continued to cry for a time, but the tears trailed quietly. They weren’t obvious, except perhaps the occasional patter on his shoulder. There was no telling how long he would’ve stayed like this if he hadn’t smelled their meal as it finished cooking. The smell was strong and he could tell that it was at least close to being done.

“You should go check on it,” he murmured, somewhat solemn.

\---

Fenris hadn’t noticed the scent of the meat, caught up as he was in what he was doing. It took him a moment to realize what Anders was talking about and when he did, he sat back a little to look at him. “Are you alright?” He asked, studying him with a frown. That was more important than overcooked meat.

\---

He had a hard time meeting his gaze, but he managed. “I’ll be okay.” He wasn’t, but he would pull himself back together. What that meant, he didn’t know, but there were a lot of things for him to think about.

\---

“I’ll come right back to you.” He didn’t want to leave him alone when he was like this, but he would only be in the next room. He leaned in to give him a soft and slow kiss. Nothing hungry, the sort of kiss that had always gone with soothing Danarius’ troubled moods.

\---

He shut his eyes and returned the kiss, just as soft and slow. It also soothed him and he seemed reluctant to let it go. Even though he’d already agreed to send him off, he was in no hurry to end this contact.

\---

He let the kiss linger as long as he dared, before finally breaking it and starting to climb out of his lap. “I’ll be right back.” He assured him again, then made his way quickly to the kitchen. He took the ducks from the fire and wrapped them up for later. They could be warmed again and now they would not burn at least. With that finished, he returned to the living room and stood before Anders. “I don’t think either of us are hungry anymore. We can warm them back up later.” He murmured, moving closer slowly, his posture asking permission to climb back into his lap.

\---

He’d expected him to take longer, but he’d managed to clean himself up at least a little, his cheeks and eyes wiped and dried. He was right and he was glad that he hadn’t brought it out for them. He wasn’t sure how much he would’ve been able to eat. He saw what he wanted and he sat back, giving him the space he needed.

\---

Fenris carefully crawled back onto his lap, wrapping his arms around him as he had before. There was still an unusual timidness to this, a lack of confidence and perhaps even a little expectation of being shoved away. His master had always been unpredictable when he was hurt, but he trusted that Anders wouldn’t lash out at him. He hadn’t yet in the time he’d been there. He didn’t look distraught at least, so perhaps this was helping him.

\---

When he was close enough, he embraced him. This wasn’t entirely comfortable for him either, letting himself be so open with him, but since Fenris was also opening up, it didn’t feel as wrong as it could have. He sought his mouth and melded with him, resuming where they’d left off.

\---

A soft, comfortable sigh escaped him when their lips met again. The connection between them so quickly chased away any apprehension he had about using his body to comfort him. He closed his eyes, getting lost in the soft, slow working of their lips.

\---

He was being so sweet to him and still couldn’t understand it. They’d talked about it, he knew why he’d had a change of heart, but this tenderness… a change of heart didn’t equate to all of this. He didn’t want to question it further. Though, somehow, he knew that if he did, the elf wouldn’t shy away. He would explain and then he would continue on.

\---

He slid his fingers into Anders’ hair, holding him close. As he'd found out before, his efforts to soothe the mage often did wonders for soothing himself. It felt so good to simply kiss him, to have no expectation of sex from it, but to just share a calm and sweet intimacy.


	5. Chapter 5

The rest of his month with Anders was the fastest month of Fenris’ life. They spent their days together in the clinic and their nights in his bed. He’d been happy in a way that he had never been happy spending his days alone and the mage seemed to be doing so much better as well. Of course, the mage was still down once in awhile, especially after Varric would visit and update him on Hawke’s failure to thrive on his own. But he felt he could always chase away Anders’ heartache once they were alone again and he could hold and kiss him until he smiled again.

But his own mood began to falter as the end of the month neared. He was going to have to give Anders up. He’d be going home to Hawke and he would try to work out what they’d had between them. The love he’d spoken of. He’d known all along that this was going to happen but it didn’t make it any easier now that the time had come.

After they’d shared their passions for the night, Fenris found himself nestled against Anders’ side, running his fingers absently over his bare chest. It wasn’t unusual for him to stay awake through the night and just enjoy relaxing next to the mage. But tonight he was restless, shifting around and breathing an uneasy sigh.

\---

A lot had happened in the month that he’d been away from Hawke. He’d been happier than he’d been in a long time and he’d grown astonishingly close to the elf he’d once loathed. They spent so much time together, shared so many smiles and so much laughter. He really liked him… in ways that he shouldn’t, but he preferred not to think about that. Even as the day he would have to go back to Hawke drew near, he preferred to pretend that nothing would change.

As they rested together, he caught onto his fidgeting and he frowned at him. “What’s wrong?” He set a hand on his arm and stroked it slowly.

\---

He met his gaze and the hand on him was stilled his own wandering fingers, letting them rest over the steady beating of Anders’ heart. “Nothing is wrong.” Not really. Nothing that he hadn’t known all along. He smiled a little, but it was sad. “Only that I will miss you.” He had a feeling that his nights were going to be very long without this man to keep him company.

\---

His own look turned sad. “...I’ll miss you too.” He had a connection with him and he would never again be close to him after this. He wasn’t even sure if they could have a friendship after this, not if he told Hawke all that had happened. He had to tell him, didn’t he? “Should I tell him what happened? Or should I stay silent about… us.”

\---

“I think he’ll use it to hurt you if you do.” He thought Hawke would use any opportunity to hurt him. “It might be better if what you’ve done in your time away stays far from his ears. But you know him best, it’s up to you.” He nuzzled his cheek against his shoulder, wanting to memorize the way it felt to be cuddled up to him this way. To try to revisit this feeling in his mind when his bed was empty once more.

\---

He nodded, looking down at him for a long moment, then looking up at the ceiling. “Varric says that he’s doing better.” Barely. “Maybe everything will be better.” Maybe he wouldn’t try to find ways to hurt him. Even so, telling him felt like inviting disaster. Even if it wasn’t a disaster, it would likely mean that Fenris would be forever out of their lives.

\---

“I hope it is.” He knew that was what Anders needed more than anything. To go back to Hawke and have everything be better than it had ever been even at the very start. He leaned in enough to kiss his jaw. “I never want him to hurt you again.”

\---

The hand on his arm lifted to touch his cheek and he pulled him into a tender kiss. “I wish he treated me half as well as you have.” Despite the way they use to feel about each other, they’d ended up being so fond of each other. “I’d forgotten I could feel so happy.”

\---

“If he doesn’t treat you even half as well, you know where to find someone who will.” He lingered close after the kiss, nuzzling their noses together. He wanted so badly to hold onto this. To be able to remember just how good this felt when they went their separate ways.

\---

His heart picked up, not surprised by what he was saying, but he hadn’t expected him to say it. He’d felt it from him. He’d felt it himself, but they hadn’t put words to those feelings. “Fenris…” He was more aware of the hand on his heart than ever.

\---

He could feel his heart starting to race beneath his hand and he stole another little kiss from him. “I want to tell you that you shouldn’t go back at all. That he doesn’t deserve another chance and you should just stay, but I know that isn’t fair. He has your heart and... you were never mine to lose. But that won’t stop me from saying that you could come back if you don’t find what you want in him.”

\---

He didn’t know what to say. When he found words, it was all he could do to try to lighten up. “I don’t think you really want _me_. I think you’ll find someone much more suited to you as soon as I’m out of your hair.” As much as he liked him and as much as Fenris liked him back, as good as they made each other feel, he didn’t think they were actually a good fit. They had drastically different opinions about something that mattered strongly to both of them.

\---

“Maybe someday.” Not soon. He wouldn’t be going looking for anyone, that was for sure. “It won’t change that I will miss you. And I will worry about you. I hate the idea of you putting up with him mistreating you in silence the way you did before I saw it with my own eyes.”

\---

He couldn’t look at him. “I won’t. If he hasn’t worked on himself… if he’s not willing to put in the effort, I won’t stay with him.” It was easy for him to say, but it wouldn’t be that easy when if it came to it. Maybe knowing that Fenris was would be there for him, waiting for him… but no. Waiting for him? “I think it might really be better.” He said the words, but they were far from convincing.

\---

“I hope you are right. About both of those things.” He didn’t have much faith in either, himself. He sighed softly and stroked his fingers absently over the place where his heart rested, letting his hand glow softly with lyrium. As if he could preventatively soothe his heart from breaking that way if Hawke mistreated it again.

\---

He shut his eyes, his heart pounding. The touch and the lyrium was soothing, but it wasn’t helping his heart. If anything, it was making it even harder for him. He couldn’t feel this way about him, could he? They’d only been ‘together’ a month and in that time, not even that much. “We’ll stay friends,” he finally murmured, but he sounded sad.

\---

“If he’ll allow it. He may not let you near me after I was the one who challenged him in the first place.” He didn’t doubt a month would make Hawke feel any warmer toward him. Even if he didn’t know what they’d been doing during this break. “But I hope I will see you again.”

\---

“Perhaps that will be one of my conditions. If he has really changed and if he really cares, he’ll realize that you helped us.” If he still wanted to ‘punish’ Fenris for intervening, then that suggested that he didn’t actually accept why any of this had been necessary. “I don’t want to lose you completely.” He’d always known that this would happen, but the truth was he didn’t want to lose this at all.

\---

“I don’t want that either, but it will be hard to keep from kissing you as your friend.” He closed his eyes and smiled, but it was still humorless. “I’ve grown a little addicted to that.”

\---

He remained as he was, but his heart, still going hard, felt so heavy. “I think even if we remain friends, I will miss you.” He didn’t want to acknowledge it, didn’t want to accept it, but he could feel it. His heart wouldn’t stop. He had feelings for the elf. It wasn’t supposed to have happened like this, but they could be friends. Friends was better than never seeing him again.

\---

“I _know_ that I will miss you. It will be difficult, but I will feel better if I can see for myself that you are happy with him.” He could feel how hard the heart was still working beneath his fingers and he leaned over him enough to press a kiss to it. “Don’t ache over me. You’ll be back with the love of your life.”

\---

He felt even more conflicted. The love of his life. He felt that way about him, but why? The love of his life who liked to control him? The love of his live who was jealous? Rough? Who hit him? Who humiliated him? Maybe it wouldn’t be like that anymore, maybe it really would be better, but even if it was… the love of his life? His nose stung and his eyes, already shut, squeezed harder.

\---

He kissed his chest once more, then shifted to settle against his shoulder again. He could see the strain in his face when he lifted his head and detoured to give his lips another soft kiss. He knew this was hard for Anders, but he also knew he'd feel better as soon as the rogue kissed him this tenderly.

\---

He met the kiss as soon as he felt it, his expression relaxing a little, though his eyes were wet from the welling emotion. Their time was running out, so he would have to savor him while he could. He didn’t want to forget the sweet elf who’d helped him and shown him what he should strive for.


	6. Chapter 6

It was time for Anders to go home to his boyfriend and it was harder for both of them than Fenris would have imagined. He’d expected the mage to start distancing himself, but instead, he’d done the exact opposite. When it was nearly time to go, Anders had coaxed him back into bed and they’d made love.

They’d rested in each other’s arms, savoring each other while they still had the time. They’d talked of going, that Varric and Isabela would be waiting on them soon. But as soon as they’d started to get out of bed, the mage’s hands had been all over him once more, needy and tugging him right back down to the mattress to indulge in his body one last time. He knew it was only making things harder, but it warmed Fenris. That Anders was going home to a man who would no doubt be craving his body and ready to give him all manner of pleasure, but the mage still wanted _him_.

When they finally made it out of bed, they were still in no hurry to get out the door. They would only separate for so long to make themselves presentable before they wound up back in an embrace. The elf sighed and held him tightly, knowing he had to let go. That it was time to get moving and that they needed to say goodbye. It was not the worst sort of goodbye, they’d agreed to stay friends so they would see each other. But this was the last time they could hold each other this way.

\---

Anders shut his eyes, taking in the scent of him. He was having such a hard time with this. He didn’t want to let go. He didn’t want to give him up, not when he was so happy in the time they spent together. He was so happy and now that it was coming to an end, he was miserable. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this miserable and he couldn’t bring himself to let go. The way he was holding him, it seemed he had no intention of being the one to let go and end this.

\---

“I will miss you.” It was far from the first time he'd said it that day. But it felt so important to make sure that he knew that. “You can always come back…”

\---

He nodded. The elf had made his feelings clear. He’d told him that he was welcome back, that he didn’t want him to go, that he would miss him, that he felt like he was losing him. He didn’t know _exactly_ what he was feeling, but he knew enough. “I know.” It was tempting. It really was. He wasn’t even out the door and it was tempting to come back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen or for this to be so hard.”

\---

“You don’t need to apologize. You were never mine to keep. It hurts us both, but we can be grateful that at least for a little while, we had something worth mourning now that you have to go back.” He didn’t have to. He’d said as much, but he knew it wasn’t fair to push that. Anders loved Hawke and he owed it to himself to go back to give his original relationship a try. To see if he could be happy with him.

\---

For a while, he just tried to keep it together, but ultimately he failed. Tears filled his eyes and fell silently. He held him tight, not only unwilling to let go, but unable.

—

“It’ll be alright. You’ll be happy. And if you think of me now and then, he doesn’t have to know about it.” He murmured when he felt his tears. He turned his head, pressing a firm kiss to his cheek.

\---

He made a sound. A quick chuckle that was much too miserable. The kiss had him turning his head to capture his lips, his breaths stuffy and heavy.

—

Fenris answered his kiss readily, deepening it even if the mage was already struggling to breathe through his tears. He wanted to tell him to stay. To call this whole thing off and just leave things as they were. “We could say you’re ill. Put this off a few more days.” Not that it would help. But it seemed impossible to let him go right now.

\---

They couldn’t. Or at least they shouldn’t. Even so, he found himself nodding in agreement, pressing enough weight into him that he would have to brace himself to compensate.

—

Fenris chuckled softly at that, not expecting him to agree even in jest. He took the weight on him and kissed him again, unable to get enough of it. He could be his - he kept telling himself and Anders that he had never been his to begin with, but he could be is now if he chose to stay. “Or you could tell him you’ve changed your mind and we can put it off forever.” He knew he shouldn’t say things like that. He had no right to. But he couldn’t stop himself this time.

\---

He made a sound again, but this time it was a pained misery. Much more intense. He clung to him, crying and trying to get so close to him that he could become one with him. Then, even though he shouldn’t, he nodded again in agreement. The alternative of letting go of him was too hard.

\---

They hadn’t been out of bed long, but he found himself to be the one tugging Anders back down onto the bed this time. He didn’t intend to have sex with him again, but Anders needed him so he laid him down and settled his weight on top of him. He kissed him again, wanting to comfort him though he knew that in his own way he was making things worse.

\---

He went with him, fussing from the slight distance moving had put between them, and as soon as he was laying over him, he was wrapping his arms around him and holding him desperately. He kissed him just as desperately, pressing up into him and adding pressure between their chests.

\---

The fusses he heard during the transition pulled at his heartstrings. This man needed him so much. He’d never been needed, not until Anders came along, and it felt so good to be the one who could make him calm. He would melt with him this way until his tears had stopped, until he could make him smile again, no longer caring that there were people waiting on them.

He was so lost in him that he didn’t hear the knock at the front door the first time. The second knock was louder and caught his attention, but he didn’t tear away from Anders right away. He simply made an irritated sound instead and sucked lightly on the mage’s lower lip.

\---          

By the time there was a knock on the door, Anders had calmed down considerably. There was still a desperation to him, but he wasn’t so distressed. He heard the door, but he didn’t care. He didn’t know who it was or what they would want, despite knowing that they were expected.

\---

Reluctantly, he broke the kiss as he heard the door open. He hoped it wasn’t Hawke and was a little relieved to hear it was the dwarf calling their names. Varric would know better than to just bring Hawke to the door, or at least he hoped so. “We must have taken too long. They’re looking for you.” He murmured, brushing their lips together even as he spoke.

\---

He whimpered and tightened his arms around him, refusing to let go. “No, I don’t want to.” He wasn’t really specifying what he meant by that, but he was determined that he didn’t ‘want to’.

\---

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” He didn’t have to leave. And he wouldn’t break away from him if Anders wasn’t ready for him to. He kissed him again and was still wrapped up in Anders’ arms when the dwarf made his way cautiously into the room.

Varric hadn’t expected to walk in on something quite so intimate and he cleared his throat and turned away from them. “...Uh, hey Blondie. We were all waiting at the mansion and getting worried about you when you two didn’t turn up…”

\---

Anders startled at the sound of his voice. He looked over and then the tears that Fenris had calmed filled his eyes once more. “No.” His fingers dug into Fenris’ back, finding the lines in his armor and using them keep him against him.

\---

“...No?” Varric was deeply confused. He had his suspicions about the two of them - he had suspicions about anyone who spent too much time alone together and when he’d come to report in to Anders, he’d noticed the two of them smiling and staring at each other just a little too long. But he hadn’t expected to find them like this one the day they’d planned to meet up and the tears surprised him even further. Fenris had to be more than just someone to get him through this month alone, but if that was the case, why had he agreed to talk to Hawke?

“He’s not going to see him.” Fenris was rather sheepish about being found this way, but he held the mage protectively, wanting to reassure him when he felt the desperate way he was clinging. “Tell him that he’s out of chances. He doesn’t want to go back to him.”

“Blondie…” Varric needed to discuss this with them but not while emotions were high like this. “No one is going to make you do anything. Or keep you from doing anything.” If the elf was controlling him and insisting that he not go see Hawke. “Just relax so we can sit down and talk for a minute, okay?”

\---

After a long moment, he nodded. He did need to calm down and get a hold of himself. He had to deal with this, even though he much preferred not dealing with it and just taking his comfort. He eventually pulled a hand away to wipe at his cheeks and from there, he eased his hold on him.

\---

“I’ll meet you in the living room.” Varric said when he got the nod he needed and was eager to take his leave and let the mage pull himself together.

Fenris stayed over Anders as he settled down, using a thumb to help dry places on his cheeks that he’d missed and then pressing a kiss near each of his raw-looking eyes. “I will make him leave if you don’t want to talk to him.” If he didn’t want to talk to _anyone_ right now, Fenris would see to it that he didn’t have to.

\---

“No, I should talk to him, I just- I just don’t know what to say.” He didn’t know what to do with himself. He just wanted everything to stay as it was. Hawke healing and while he was, spending this time with Fenris. If nothing changed, then he was losing nothing. Then he was just happy.

\---

The elf slowly began to crawl off of Anders, but he didn’t completely break their contact. Instead, he used his hold on him to pull the man to a sitting position with him. “You shouldn’t have to. I already said it. You don’t want to see Hawke. He isn’t getting another chance.”

\---

He met his gaze searchingly. Seeking something. “...I am scared to fall in love with you.” For the same reasons he didn’t think they were a good fit, despite seeming like it. They seemed perfect together, but perhaps that was only because this was so new. “And I’m scared that I already have.”

\---

“You told me what you felt love was. Do you feel that way about me? Do you feel I return those things back to you?” Fenris asked him very quietly, as if it was some secret not to be overheard even though the dwarf had left them. He didn’t know the first thing about love, but he knew that Anders had some part of him that he hadn’t even known existed, much less could have given to someone else.

\---

“I don’t know. I’ve never felt so cared for, but I don’t know if what you feel will last. When I met Hawke, it was perfect, but then time passed and everything went wrong. What if time passes and you cannot reconcile what I am? What if your feelings turn to poison?” What if it happened all over again, but with him? He couldn’t stand it and he was sick just thinking about it.

\---

“I wish I had answers. I have never felt this way and I would want to feel this way forever, but I can’t know.” He leaned in to kiss him very softly. “You don’t have to choose either of us if you don’t want to. If you’re not ready to take a chance with me and you don’t want to go to a man who has already become poison to you, you don’t have to take either of us. He might try to make you, but I will not.”

\---

That was a thought. What if he chose neither? What if he chose himself? Then he would lose them both. He didn’t want to lose either, but the way he was feeling, losing Fenris hurt more. Was that because of the things he felt or was it because he felt so sure that he _was_ losing Fenris?

“I’ve been so silly, haven’t I?” A grown man, acting as he was. So ruled by his emotions and behaving so childishly, so hurt, so heartbroken. “I will talk to Hawke today.” He didn’t know what would happen, but he had to honor his promise to talk to him after this time apart.

\---

“You haven’t been silly. You just have a bigger heart than any other man.” Anders was so sensitive, it was no wonder he was overwhelmed by all of these feelings. He smiled just slightly. “I think that is one of my favorite things about you.”

\---

“Oh, I don’t know about that.” He looked down at his knees, sad, but digging his heels in and finding some resolve. “Honestly, I’m embarrassed.” Drawing this out as much as he had, to the point that Varric had come in and seen them, seen _him_ like that. “Varric’s waiting for us, we shouldn’t leave him waiting any longer.”

\---

“If this is what you want to do, I will help you.” If he really wanted to go to Varric and even to Hawke, he would stay at his side. He rose to his feet and offered Anders his hands to help him up as well. He could hope that he would change his mind again. That talking to Varric would make him decide he didn’t want to see Hawke after all.

\---

He took his hands and when he was on his feet, he withdraw them so he could try and straighten himself up. His robes were pulled this way and that and his hair was mussed from having ending up back on the bed. When he felt he was presentable enough, he started out of the room, feeling a little more prepared to meet what this day had in store.

\---

The elf straightened his own appearance before following him out into the living room. Varric was seated and waiting for them, scribbling on a piece of parchment he’d pulled out to pass the time. When he saw the pair approaching, he tucked it away, looking between them. “So...clearly there have been some developments here in the last month.”

\---

He had the decency to look ashamed and he felt it. He would be judged for this, he was sure. “I would prefer if you kept what you saw to yourself.” He sat down, hands folding in his lap, looking like he was trying to appear pulled together and only somewhat succeeding.

\---

“I will.” Varric answered quickly enough. He didn’t want to be the one to let that information get to Hawke. “But we need to figure out what that means from here. If you don’t plan to go back to him, maybe I should go back and talk to Hawke first. He’s...still a little unpredictable and I don’t want you around him if that’s what he needs to hear.”

\---

Anders began to fiddle with his fingers. “I don’t think I’m planning anything, but I do think I should talk to him. It’s been a month and I have to see him.” Even if he didn’t stay with him, he needed to talk to him. To see for himself how he was.

\---

“I think that would be good. He really wants to see you.” Varric knew Hawke had done some awful things, but he still felt bad for him. The man was ill and he liked to think that he and Isabela had helped. “But I'm glad you're planning on having all of us there. He hasn't escalated in a while, but all of us have seen it now and I don't want you with him alone if this overwhelms him.” He glanced to Fenris, finding the elf pacing the back of the room and not watching either of them.

\---

He frowned. “This has been hard for him, but maybe seeing me with help him.” He’d been so desperate to help him. “It will only work him up to wait, so we should get going, I suppose.” The sooner, the better probably.

\---

“I think you're right.” Hawke was already anxious that Anders hadn't shown up. Varric stood, then looked to the elf once more. “You okay, Broody? Are you sure you want to come along?” Fenris clearly had feelings for him and he was sure it wouldn't be easy for him to attend this discussion.

“I'm fine.” Fenris looked calm but guarded when he finally faced the dwarf. He needed to be there for Anders and he was ready.

\---

Anders looked at him, lingering on him, knowing that he wasn’t really fine. He also knew that he wouldn’t go if he didn’t want to. He stood up and even though he wanted to go to him, he had to keep some space or he might lose the control he’d managed.

\---

Fenris wanted to go to him as well. He shouldn't, but he deeply wanted to. When Varric lead the way out of the house, his resolve faltered and he found himself moving to Anders, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze before guiding him to follow the dwarf. Maybe talking to Hawke would change nothing. Maybe this still didn't have to be the last time he would hold his hand.

\---

As he came closer, Anders remained where he was, his heart picking up. All he was given was his hand, though, and that was a relief. Even so, he held it tightly, making up for the embrace he’d been forced to end. He followed after Varric, heading to the Hawke estate after having avoided it for weeks.

\---

Fenris kept a tight hold on his hand, wanting to calm and reassure him for the entire walk. He only released it when they reached the front door where Varric stepped inside and announced them, not bothering with knocking. He knew they were not only expected but overdue.

Hawke was sitting on the couch in the living room, looking put together and well enough, though he wore old bandages as they'd failed to get him to the Circle. Isabela was perched on the arm of the couch beside him and she put a gentle hand on his shoulder, watching as he waited anxiously for his lover to step into the living room for the first time in a month.

\---

He was tense as soon as he as inside, but when he actually came to the living room and set eyes on the rogue, all of the emotions he’d been putting aside came swelling back. Everything he felt for Hawke, good and bad. It was good to see him and in a way, he was a sight for sore eyes.

“Garrett,” he greeted him softly, taking a few steps towards the couch, but keeping some space between them.

\---

“Anders. I've missed you…” He didn't rise from his seat, as if afraid any sudden movements would spook him and his mage would leave again. He gestured to the nearest seat. “Please come talk to me.” His tone reflected his anxieties. That he might turn around and go right back out the door. He'd been warned that Fenris was coming along so he didn't react strongly to the elf as he had last time, but he watched him distrustfully as the warrior moved to the back of the room to be out of the way.

\---

“I missed you too.” He had, just not as much as he would have if he hadn’t gotten so caught up in someone else. There was something cautious to the way he moved, the fear he of him coming back with everything else. He sat down, but still kept that space between them. “How are you feeling?”

\---

“Better, now that you're here.” He did feel better, but their audience had him uneasy. “Do you want to come home?” He couldn't remember the last time he'd asked Anders what he'd wanted. It had to be a sign that he was getting better.

\---

“I don’t know. I think we should talk about things before we talk about that.” He didn’t really want the audience, either, but he had no choice. They already knew what’d been going on, at least mostly, and they could help keep things calm and controlled. “I know things have been rough for you since I’ve been gone, but I don’t know that that’ll change if I’m here.”

\---

“It will. I'll do what I have to if it means you'll stay." He said quickly and as he started to tense, he felt Isabela's hand tighten on his shoulder. It served as a helpful reminder to relax and he took a deep breath to ease himself. “I think a month was more than enough time apart.”

\---

“The reason why I know things have been rough for you is that Varric’s been keeping me up to date with you. I’d like to think that you mean it, but he’s told me about your outbursts. If you’re still having outbursts while I’m gone, how do I know you won’t have outbursts while I’m here?”

\---

Hawke cast the dwarf a look of disbelief, but Varric simply folded his arms over his chest and nodded. “I've had control though. These two have been with me every day and I've never hurt them. I've gotten better.” He looked to Isabela for support and she moved the hand on his shoulder to sweep it through his hair gently.

“Better, but you did _try_ to hurt us at the start. I don't know if you've had enough time to work on this.” She said softly, knowing it wasn't what he'd want to hear.

\---

He didn’t like the look he gave Varric, not liking what it implied. That he was upset - or perhaps angry? - with Varric for keeping him informed. “I care about you and I want to help you, but I won’t let you abuse me anymore. I won’t let you hit me and I won’t let you hurt yourself or threaten hurting yourself to get what you want.” He was feeling a lot firmer that he’d thought he’d be and he knew that a large reason for it was standing out of sight.

\---

“I know. I know I was wrong to do that. I'm sorry and I'm making it right. I'm doing so much better. I just need you to come home now, that will help more than anything.” Hawke murmured, moving a little closer him. “The best way you can help me is by coming home.”

\---

He shifted uncomfortably in the chair. His couldn’t help but look over to where the elf was lingering and he watched him for a long moment, before looking back at his boyfriend. He didn’t have to go back with him. He didn’t have to go back with either of them. Hawke needed time to work on himself, but didn’t he need the same thing? He hadn’t had time to work on himself, he’d spend all this time at the Fenris side, depending on him and letting himself get sucked up into him.

He loved him though. He loved Hawke and in some way, he knew he loved Fenris too. He had something here, didn’t he? If he was going to give them up, he was going to have to give everything up.

It took a long time for him to respond, but when he did, it was quiet. “Okay, I’ll stay. Only for a couple of weeks and then we’ll see how we feel, alright?”

\---

Hawke brightened at that, even found himself smiling after he'd had a beat to take that in. “Thank the Maker. You won't want to go again. We'll stay together and it'll be better than it ever was.”

Varric looked a little uneasy and glanced to Fenris. The elf was guarded and hard to read, but he could see the strain in his jaw. He knew he'd been hoping Anders would just stay with him.

\---

“We’ll see in a couple of weeks,” he repeated, wanting to make sure it was clear to all of them. Still, seeing him brighten like that warmed him. “Thank you Varric, Isabela. I appreciate all you’ve done to help us… maybe you can stop by in the evenings?” He wished that he could just trust Hawke, but he couldn’t.

\---

“We’ll drop by.” Isabela assured him and Varric nodded his agreement. Hawke shook his head. “Not _every_ evening, but you can visit when you like. We need to try to get back into a normal routine.” He looked back to where the elf had placed himself out of his sight. “And I'll let you know when I'm ready for you to come by.”

\---

“Every evening.” He needed them to come, just in case. Just in case something happened and he couldn’t bring himself to be as strong as he needed to be. He didn’t have anything to say about the bit about Fenris - it probably would be for the best that he didn’t show up here, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t see him.

\---          

“He's got to be comfortable here and you need to rebuild his trust, Hawke. Every evening. At least for a little while.” Varric said firmly to make it clear that they were going to do as Anders asked whether he liked it or not.

Hawke frowned, but nodded. If it was what it took to get Anders back with him.

\---

With that, he took in a deep breath. “Alright, I think we need some time alone. I’ll see you all tomorrow.” He was anxious about being alone with him, but even if the worst happened, he didn’t think it would happen tonight.

\---

Fenris was the first to head for the door, feeling that he didn't belong there if Anders wanted to stay. But he still gave the mage a lingering look on his way by that made Hawke shift uneasily in his seat. Isabela hopped down from the arm of the couch and wished them a good evening before linking her arm with the dwarf’s so they could walk back together. “You know where to find us if you need us.” Varric called over his shoulder, looking to them both but meaning it for Anders.

\---

Anders watched them go and when they were gone, he turned back to Hawke. “So…” He wasn’t sure what to say. Deciding it would be best if he made himself busy, he shifted forward in his seat. “Have you eaten? I’ll make something to eat.” Without actually waiting for his answer, he stood.

\---

Hawke stood with him, not wanting Anders out of his sight. “We can make something together.” Like they used to. “I was even thinking of hiring someone to do the cooking and cleaning. You won't have to anymore.”

\---

He took a step back when the rogue stood, but there was nothing but chair behind him so he almost ended up sitting back down. He caught his balance and after a beat, relaxed. “If you want.” He didn’t want to draw any more attention to his reaction then that, heading towards the kitchen.

\---

Hawke followed after him, waiting until Anders reached the kitchen to move in behind him, wrapping his arms around him from behind. He hadn’t embraced him in so long and he pressed a kiss to the side of his neck, drawing in a deep breath. His scent was wrong. It was as he remembered, but he smelled different too after so much time living somewhere else.

\---

 He tensed, his body reacting so strongly to him, but not in the way he would’ve wanted. “Hawke, no.” He wasn’t ready for this contact. It was too soon, especially considering he’d spent the morning fucking Fenris. “Not yet.” He tried to step out of his hold, wanting space.

\---

He frowned, but released him, letting him walk out of his arms. “I’m not trying to sleep with you, Anders. I just want to hold you. It’s been a month.” He sounded hurt, having expected his mage to melt into his arms as he always had, even when he was afraid of him.

\---

“I know, but give me time.” He needed to adjust to this. It wasn’t easy to just go back to how it’d been, not when he’d left the way he had and not when so much had happened in their time apart. “Why don’t we start with something to eat?” Then they could go from there.

\--

He said nothing, instead going to the pantry and pulling out some of the food he had stored up. He had to carry much of it in the crook of his elbow, the hand he’d injured the night Anders had left him unable to take much weight. He set things out on the counter, trying to keep himself calm despite the rejection.

\---

He watched him walk away and then taking a deep breath, he began to look around for what he had to work with. “What do you feel like?”

\---

“Something simple. Chicken and rice, maybe.” He didn’t have much of an appetite, too caught up in Anders being here with him. He started to set up the rice for boiling, having gotten used to cooking on his own again with his boyfriend gone. He still didn’t enjoy it, which was why he was considering hiring help for such things. But he wanted to make a point that he wasn’t going to expect it from Anders.

\---

He grabbed a couple things himself and then moved over to the stove. He’d noticed his hand, but now he was actually paying attention to it. “What happened to your hand?” He thought he’d would’ve gone to the Circle, like he’d told him to, so he thought he’d hurt his hand again somehow.

\---

“I hurt it the night you left me. I hurt it more when you left me the second time.” He said without looking up from his work as he got the rice going and started to cut up the chicken. “I didn’t want the Circle mages to touch it, so Isabela helped me fix it up. It’s better than it was, at least.”

\---

“Why not?” Was he still on a tirade about mages? Did it include Circle mages now? He couldn’t help but feel wary, but he tried to keep it out of his voice and off his face.

\--

“Leaving it alone made it seem like you would come back and heal it someday.” He cut the chicken carefully, unable to hold the knife well in his dominant hand, but looking practiced at doing so. “If I just paid the templars and let some other healer take care of it...I don’t know. It’s stupid, but it felt like accepting that you might never come back.”

\---

“Well, then let me fix it.” He didn’t like that he’d left it like this, but he supposed that since he hadn’t been fighting, it really wasn’t a big deal. He turned to him and held out a hand, waiting for him to offer his.

\---

He offered him his hand, bandaged tightly to splint the broken bones inside. One metacarpal had snapped hard enough to jut out of the top of his hand when he’d first injured himself, but the pirate had helped him to push it back down into place and stitched the wound shut. Repeated injury had made for very poor healing in general, but the bones had healed even if they weren’t aligned all that well. It wasn’t his only injury, his arms and even a place on his neck were bandaged, covering gashes in various stages of healing though none of them were very fresh. But his hand was by far the worst injury.

\---

He frowned at what he found, but he unbandaged it carefully. Ideally he would break his hand again and set it properly. “You should’ve gone to the Circle.” There was disapproval, frustration even, in his tone. “I either heal it like this, or I heal it properly and that won’t be fun.”

\---

“Do what you’ve got to.” He’d like to have it working again. Even if this pain would be so much greater right now when he wasn’t in a rage when it was broken again. “I just wanted you to come home, so I didn’t go to the Circle.”

\---

The disapproval remained in his expression, but he would deal with it. “Do you want something to bite into?” It would hurt, but the pain wouldn’t last long. It was the soreness that would linger behind.

\---

“No. I can take it.” He wasn’t afraid of pain. If anything, it might make Anders’ presence here feel more real. They were in the comfort of their own home. If he needed to scream, he could scream.

\---

He nodded and pinpointed were the break had been with his fingers. Then he broke it. Since it wasn’t completely healed, it didn’t take as much effort as it would’ve if they’d taken a two month break. He carefully set the bones and assured they were properly placed, he healed them.

\---

Hawke had made an awful sound, somewhere between a yelp and a growl when the bones snapped once more, but it was over quickly. He flexed his fingers after his hand was healed and breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks. It hasn’t felt right in such a long time.” It would be good to have his dominant hand back.

\---

“You’re welcome.” He gave the hand a squeeze and then let go of him so he could help him with the food. He wasn’t particularly hungry himself, but he would eat with him and then after that, he wasn’t so sure, but taking this a step at a time seemed like a good idea.

\---

He returned to his work, finding it so much easier to cut the meat now. HIs hand ached, but it was nothing like it had been before. When he had everything as he wanted it, he tossed the chicken into a skillet and moved aside so Anders could add in what he’d busied himself with chopping. “I’m glad you were willing to stay here alone with me. I thought you might invite one of them to spend the night with us.”

\---

“I suppose I figured if things were bad enough that I needed someone to stay the first night, it wouldn’t make a difference if they were here or not.” If he was so bad that something were to happen tonight, then he wouldn’t stay. He would put his foot down, defend himself, and walk away.

\---

“Well, that would be the case for the rogues, but I’m also glad you didn’t invite Fenris to stay with you. I don’t know how...involved you two got over the last month, but I know I wouldn’t like the answer.” He had no doubt that the elf had been thoroughly enjoying his boyfriend in his absence.

\---

He was adding his vegetables to the skillet when the comment about Fenris made him tense. Normally he would feel nothing more than frustration and hurt at the accusation. At the lack of trust. This time, however, he was right. He wouldn’t like the answer. “Fenris has become my friend.” That was all he was willing to tell him. “I intend to keep him as a friend.” His condition.

\---

“That ‘asshole bigot’ you were always insisting that I throw out of the group?” He watched him closely, his eyes sharp. “It must have been really good with him to make you want to stay ‘friends’.”

\---

“Yeah, him. I guess it’s a good thing you never did.” He moved away from him after he finished adding his part in. “Honestly, Garrett, that’s how you want to start this?”

\---

“I’m showing you that I can talk to you about what you’ve been doing without flying off the handle.” He took a step toward him, then leaned into the counter. He didn’t want him putting too much distance between them. “I just want to make it clear that I know and that I don’t want him here. Varric and Isabela can visit instead.”

\---

“You don’t know anything,” he snapped, deciding that while he normally wouldn’t lie like this to him, he was making an exception. “Instead of ‘showing’ me that, maybe you should’ve considered, you know, not accusing me of fucking someone else? Or not assuming that you know that I fucked someone else.”

\---

“Because it’s…” He caught himself and turned away from him, taking a deep breath. “You’re right, you’re right. I shouldn’t have said anything. It doesn’t matter, you’re home now.”

\---

He obviously still thought he’d fucked Fenris and he was right, but he wasn’t going to confirm it. “I don’t want to be accused of being unfaithful anymore.” It was just as abusive as everything else since he used his paranoia and accusations to control him. “You’re going to have to learn to trust me.”

\---

“I want to trust you.” He did, he just didn't know how to make himself do it. He turned to face him, looking almost distraught. “I'm sorry. I'll figure out how, I know I have to. You just got here and I'm already messing things up.”

\---

He met his gaze and after long enough, he felt a pang and he closed the distance between them, hugging him. It felt easier when it was his decision. “You’re trying. I can see it. It means a lot to me.”

\---

Hawke wrapped him up desperately in his arms, so relieved to hold him. To have Anders _want_ him to hold him. “I know trying isn't going to be enough. I don't know why I'm struggling so hard with everything.”

\---

“You’ve been through a lot, but it’s not an excuse. We’ve said over and over that we’ll work on this, but this time we mean it.” He looked up at him and then lifted a hand to touch his cheek. He leaned in and pressed a simple kiss to his lips. “I want you to be happy and I want to be happy with you.”

\---

Hawke nodded, but he looked so uncertain. He didn't know what was wrong with him or how to go about fixing it. But Anders was here and wanted to work on it, that was something at least. “I love you.”

\---

“I love you too.” He pulled back from him then, still needing space. “Come on, let’s finish cooking lunch.” One step at a time and maybe all of this would work out, just like he’d hoped.

\---

Hawke didn't want the space between them, but he was grateful for the contact he’d gotten. He just had to be careful not to instigate another argument and they'd be able to enjoy their first meal together in a month. It shouldn't be difficult, but of course it was. Still, he kept his mouth closed about Anders’ time with Fenris and busied himself with stirring the contents of the skillet.


	7. Chapter 7

After spending several days at Hawke’s side, he decided he needed to get back to the clinic. Things were still tentative between them. They’d shared a lot of intimacy and even sex, though Anders had only allowed the latter once. Hawke wanted more and he’d made it known, but when Anders told him he wasn’t ready for more, Hawke brought up his time with Fenris antagonistically again.

It seemed they needed some space, so Anders decided it was time to get back to work. They’d argued about it, Hawke wanting him to stay with him, unsurprisingly, but ultimately Anders had gotten his way. He left in the morning and rather than go through the cellar to the clinic, he went the long way around so he could stop at the market and, also, so he could stop by a certain crumbling mansion.

When he arrived at the mansion, he considered knocking on the door, but figuring he would be welcome - hopefully he was welcome… - he went right in. “Fenris,” he called, stepping into the foyer and looking up the stairs.

\---

“Anders?” The elf hadn’t expected anyone to come by anytime soon. Especially not Anders. He’d chosen to go back to Hawke and after days had passed, Fenris figured he was now the farthest thing from the mage’s mind. Hearing him now gave him a mixture of hope and anxiety. He moved to the stairs, looking down to him with searching eyes and relieved to see that he looked alright at a glance. “Did something happen? Are you okay?”

\---

He wished his heart didn’t pick up as soon as he saw him, but it did. “No, everything is fine. I just… I’m going to the clinic today and I suppose I’ve gotten rather use to you coming with me.” It was kind of an invitation. It was, he just was suddenly worried about what he would say and avoiding actually coming out with it.

\---

He hadn’t realized how tense he’d been until he got the reassurance that nothing bad had happened and he relaxed. He moved down the stairs to join him, but left a little space between them. He wasn’t sure where the boundaries between them were if he was giving Hawke another chance. “You want me to go with you today?”

\---

He shrugged, not wanting to commit to the answer. “If you want to.” He busied his hands with the strap of the sack he was holding on his shoulder. “I have to stop by the market first, but after that, I’m going to the clinic. I’ll probably stay there until the evening, so if you have somewhere to be or something, that’s fine.”

\---

“I don’t have anywhere else to be.” He didn’t have anywhere else that he _wanted_ to be, really. He’d gotten spoiled to Anders’ company and he wanted to go with him, so long as he was welcome. “I’m ready if you want to go now…”

\---

“Alright, let’s go.” He turned and headed out, glancing over his shoulder to make sure he was coming. He made his way to the market and used the gold he’d been given by Hawke to fill his sack with supplies. It didn’t take long to have everything he needed and then he was on his way to Darktown, his footsteps as silent as he was.

\---

Fenris had taken the opportunity to pick up a few things from the market while he was there. There was no sense in wasting the trip, after all. When they reached the clinic and he found that no one was around, he finally brought himself to speak up. “...I know I shouldn’t say this, but I’m glad you came to see me. I’ve missed you.”

\---

He’d fished out his key and was fiddling with the lock when Fenris spoke. The lock clicked, but his hands stilled and he looked at him. He had to tear himself away, pushing the door open and stepping inside. “I missed you too,” he murmured, busying himself with shutting the door behind them. He’d open it again as soon as he put the supplies away.

\---

Fenris busied himself with setting out things Anders would need for the day, knowing the opening routine for the clinic by heart. “It’s good to be able to see you at least. To see that you’re alright.” Not happy, really. But alright would do for now.

\---

“As I said, I wish to remain your friend. Unless you change your mind, I want to see you and spend time with you.” It wouldn’t be easy. This wasn’t easy, but it was better than losing him completely.

\---

“I won’t change my mind. It’s hard to keep my distance, but I want to see you. I think when I see you happy again, it will be easier to respect the boundaries.” Though he’d done well, thus far. Perhaps his eyes lingered on him a little too long, but he had kept his hands to himself. “...Are things going well, at least?”

\---

He swallowed, wishing he wasn’t so aware of him. He was trying to listen without taking it to heart, but it was difficult when he wanted the same things. He wanted him to close the distance between them, but he had to push aside the desire. “As well as expected. He’s trying.”

\---

“I guess it’s a good sign that he let you come out to your clinic. I know he kept you home as much as he could before…” Before he’d intervened. He doubted Hawke would approve that they were at the clinic together, so he likely didn’t know about it. That was fine with him.

\---

“He didn’t want me to, but when I made it clear it was what I wanted, he relented.” It was improvement, definitely. He finished what he was doing and went to open the door and light the lantern. With that taken care of, he washed his hands and waited. It was likely going to be a busy day since he hadn’t been around for a while and he knew that would help with things between them.

\---

“That is promising.” That he’d care what Anders wanted. That he wouldn’t push his control onto him. He moved to wait near Anders, staying closer to him than he’d dared to get earlier. It just felt so...right to be beside him.

\---

“...We don’t have to talk about him.” He was sure it wasn’t a pleasant subject for him. For either of them. He was spared from a response when someone stepped inside and he moved to meet them, a little anxious to get to work.

\---

He didn’t want to talk about Hawke. Not really, anyway. But it was important for him to know that things were alright. That Anders wasn’t falling back into complacency and being treated like trash for the sake of staying with him. He let the mage get to work and when the next person came in, he did his part to set the patient up on the other table and keep them comfortable until Anders could get to him.

\---

It was easy to get into a rhythm and soon enough it was any other day. They were working together and working like a well-oiled machine at that. When it began to wear on him, Fenris had offered him his lyrium to help. With hesitance, Anders had accepted. They’d touched for a time and that had been incredible and difficult, but they managed to move on and pick up where they left off in helping his patients.

\---

It had been hard for him to connect with Anders in such a simple way and let go of him so quickly, but Fenris was glad for the moment they’d had. He was happy to help him and it had felt so good to watch Anders indulge in his lyrium once more. Short-lived as it was, he knew it was best that Anders get back to his patients before anything got out of hand.

There had been a steady line of people through the door, but he tensed sharply when Hawke strode in. He was fortunately far from Anders when he walked in, busy cleaning a bit of blood from a stool that someone with a cut had trailed in. He nodded a greeting to the rogue, but Hawke’s eyes stayed locked sharply on him with distrust. Hawke said nothing, moving aside to wait until Anders was available.

\---

Anders stomach had fallen when he saw Hawke, but he still flashed him a smile. He supposed he should’ve expected him to stop by, he just hoped he wouldn’t. When he finished up with who he was working on, he made his way over to him. “Garrett, what’s up?”

\---

Hawke drew Anders in when he approached him, holding him close and giving him a firm, possessive kiss. He didn’t know if Fenris was watching, but he hoped he was. “I just wanted to see how your day was going. I’ve missed you.”

\---

He stiffened slightly, since that was a bit much when he was still getting comfortable with him. He met the kiss as much as he felt he should, but he broke it as soon as he could. “It’s going well. I’ve been busy, but it always is when I close… well, at all really.” He shrugged. “I’m planning on being home before dinner.”

\---

“Good, I’ll have something ready for you. I’m still thinking of hiring some help for those sort of things around the house.” Maybe an elf in the alienage, that would make Fenris’ skin crawl. “Maybe I’ll look into that on my way home. But for tonight, does anything in particular sound good to you?”

\---

If he wanted to hire someone to help out, he could. It _would_ be nice. “I don’t know, how about some fish?” He hadn’t had a fish in a while. Partly because Fenris didn’t like fish.

\---

“Fish it is.” He stole one more kiss from him, then turned as someone new walked in the door. “I’ll let you get back to it. I need to talk to Fenris about a mission anyway.” He really had meant to stop by the mansion to talk to the elf and as convenient as was that he was here, he still disliked finding him with his boyfriend.

\---

That surprised him and he studied him. “A mission? What kind of mission?” He knew that Hawke wasn’t feeling too fond of him, so he couldn’t help but be suspicious. He doubted he felt any differently about his accusations, so it didn’t make sense that he’d want anything to do with him.

\---

“Something Isabela told me about. I need a warrior for it and Aveline is occupied. I’m sure Fenris wouldn’t mind the income.” He highly doubted the elf had been doing anything since their missions had stopped. He was probably rotting away in that crumbling mansion now that he didn’t have Anders there to entertain him.

\---

“Alright then. You can tell me about it over dinner.” He gave him a little smile and then pulled away. “See you later.” He had to go greet the man who had come in and he did exactly that, though his eyes flicked over to look at the rogue and the warrior.

\---

“See you soon.” He left his side then, moving to Fenris and asking that they go outside to talk. Fenris looked wary, but he wasn’t afraid of Hawke. He just also shared his suspicions about the rogue wanting anything to do with him at the moment. He glanced to Anders, but followed Hawke outside to talk to him.

\---

He didn’t like that they went outside where he couldn’t watch them, but he knew Fenris at least wouldn’t do anything to escalate things. Not after he’d taken a backhand to the face without retaliation. He’d handled it with more class than he would’ve ever expected him to have at the time. Even so, he was distracted as he worked, waiting for the elf to return so he could be certain that everything was okay.

\---

It took longer than Fenris would have liked for him to get back inside. Really, any time alone with Hawke was more than he wanted right now. But eventually he made his way back into the clinic, looking uneasy but no worse for wear. He half expected Hawke to follow him back into the clinic and he watched the door for a while before he relaxed and busied himself with cleaning until Anders was available.

\---

As soon as he could, Anders went to him. “What happened?” He wanted to know what had been said. If they’d only talked about the mission, or if more had come up.

\---

“He doesn’t think I have any business being here, for one thing.” He hadn’t been surprised by that at all. “I told him I decided to help when I saw the clinic was open. I decided it was best he not know that you came to me. Forgive me if that is overstepping, but I didn’t want to rile him more than necessary.”

\---

He made a sound, unsure how he felt. It was a good thing he’d lied, undoubtedly, but he shouldn’t have had to lie at all. “Well, he can deal with it.” He wasn’t going to let his opinion influence over what happened in his own clinic. Including who was with him. “Is that all?”

\---

“No. He asked me to go investigate some pirate ships. Apparently they might be smuggling slaves as well as goods.” It was something he had interest in doing and he did indeed miss the steady income. But he couldn’t help but feel like it was mostly an effort to get him away from Kirkwall for a few days. His eyes dropped as he considered if he should say anything else. The rogue had made some veiled threats, but he didn’t want to cause Anders any trouble with them.

\---

That sounded right up his alley, but Fenris seemed troubled. “What is it? You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to…” If he didn’t want to work for Hawke anymore, he was under no obligation to.

\---

“It’s not that. I’ll do the job.” Only because he trusted Varric and Isabela to keep Hawke in line while he was away. “I just…” He paused to consider his words. “I think he just needs a little more time to see that I am not a threat. That you have chosen him and I will respect that.”

\---

He had to look away. He shifted his weight a couple times and then shook his head. “As far as he’s concerned, nothing happened. He doesn’t believe that nothing happened, but I haven’t told him anything.” He shouldn’t be looking at him as a threat or thinking that he’d chosen him over anyone else, but he knew the gist of what he was saying was right.

\---

“I could tell that he doesn't believe nothing happened.” He hadn't said it outright, but it was obvious. “But as long as he isn't using it against you, that's all that matters. And while I'm gone on this mission, please tell Varric if he starts lashing out again. I know you don't need my protection and you don't need me to tell you that...but I feel better asking you to do it anyway.”

\---

“I will. They’re still coming by every evening to check in.” He glanced at him, but it was difficult to look at him while they talked about this. “How long will it take?” He would stay with Hawke during that time, knowing it would make him happy, and then when he returned, he’d make another day of the clinic.

\---

“Probably two or three days. I travel quickly alone.” Not needing to sleep was handy sometimes. He reached to take Anders’ hand, giving it a squeeze. “I just wish I felt better leaving town when you're with him. I don't trust him, even if he seems to be trying.”

\---

He looked down at their hands and then he tightened his. “It’ll be alright. It would be the same regardless if you were here or not.” If something was going to happen, something was going to happen. “I’ll open the clinic in three days. You can come then, if you want.”

\---

“I will. I'll see you as soon as I can.” He was glad that his hand had been welcomed. It didn't feel like it was pushing too much. It was an innocent enough touch. “...If for some reason I don't come back, know that something must have happened and I didn't choose to leave. I don't want you to think I ran away.”

\---

He frowned. “Don’t talk like that…” He didn’t like thinking about anything happening to anyone he cared about. And he cared about Fenris. “You’ll be fine.”

\---

“I plan on being fine. I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea if something should happen.” He didn't think this was a setup meant to get rid of him. This was more likely Hawke flexing his authority and trying to keep him out of town during these early, tentative days back together. But he wanted to be sure Anders knew the truth of it if something happened.

\---

“Why is he having you go alone, anyway? You ought to be taking some others with you. Isabela, Varric…” That would leave him alone with Hawke, though. He didn’t feel like he could offer up Merrill as a suggestion and who did that leave?

\---

“I’d rather they stay here in case you need them.” If things got out of hand, it may take both of them to get Hawke under control and Anders far enough away from him. “I’ll be alright alone. And I’ll see you as soon as I get back and you can get away to open the clinic.”

\---

“...Alright, just take care of yourself.” They were speaking as if they were going to part, but they had hours still. He knew they’d probably repeat this conversation when they did, but for now it felt important to get this across.

\---          

“I will. I’ll come back as quickly as I can.” He squeezed his hand softly. He knew the distance was probably good for them. That Anders needed more time to get settled in with Hawke and he needed to get used to being alone again. But it didn’t make him any happier about leaving town.

\---

The look he gave him was slightly sad, but he pulled away when someone else stepped inside and got back to work. He was glad to have more time with him. He was going to miss him while he was gone, but he knew that was all the more reason why it would good that he was going. They had to take some space from each other before they got together again.


	8. Chapter 8

The sky was just beginning to darken when Anders arrived back home. He was a little late, but not by much. It was about when they’d be sitting down for dinner. “Garrett, I’m home,” he called as he moved inside, unsure if he would be in the kitchen or the dining room or elsewhere.

\---

Hawke walked from the dining room to meet him, a warm smile on his lips. Really, he’d expected Anders to be late. To delay to spend more time with Fenris. Considering that he was home near the time when he’d been expecting him, he was pleased. “Good, I have everything out on the table. I was afraid your dinner would get cold.”

\---

He offered him a smile. “I told you I’d be home for dinner.” Sure, something could’ve come up, but he knew he had to put in his own effort and that meant spending time with him. “It does smell good in here.” He started toward the dining room, since that was where the rogue had come from.

\---

When Anders started walking to the dining room, Hawke fell in step with him, draping an arm around him. He knew Anders still wanted physical space from him a lot of the time, but he felt that contact with better for them. “It’ll smell better tomorrow. That’s when our new worker starts. She has a trial with us for the week so we can find out if she can cook.”

\---

“That was quick.” He hadn’t expected him to have hired someone the same day, but all the better that he had. “I don’t know what your plans are for the next few days, but I figured I’d stay in.” He knew he’d like that. He didn’t mind the arm draped around him - it was a easy enough contact. At the table, he sat in his usual spot and looked over what had been prepared for him.

\---

It was simple but hearty fare, a fish and potato stew. Something he made over a campfire many nights when the group would travel together for missions. “I’m glad, you’ll be home to help me decide if we should hire her officially. I didn’t realize how many people in the alienage were desperate for work, but when I started asking around for someone who could cook and clean, several people jumped at the opportunity.”

\---

“The Alienage? Why did you go to the Alienage?” He would’ve expected him to try to find someone more established - not that he was complaining. If the elves needed jobs, he was happy they could provide them with one. He wondered if there was anyone else in Hightown that didn’t already have help and needed it - for the other elves that had wanted the position.

\---

“It seemed like a good place to look. A lot of them have experience with the sort of help we’re looking for.” Many of the escaped slaves had cooked and cleaned for their masters. If they wanted to do it now for a fair wage, why not let them? “I told her I’d pay her for a week and if we’re all happy with the arrangement, we can talk about her working here permanently. Maybe we can give her a room here too if she wants that.”

\---

“Hawke…” There was disapproval and a little bit of disbelief in his voice. He understood his reasoning, but the way he was framing it was messed up. “Even if she’s not ideal, I’m sure we could help her improve. It would be cruel to give her hope and then it take away unless there is something seriously wrong with her.”

\---

“We’re helping someone eager for work.” Hawke answered his disapproval quickly. Though really, he could have found people just as eager in Darktown. He’d chosen a former slave in hopes Fenris would find out about it and it would raise his ire. “I’m sure she’ll work out just fine. I just didn’t want to commit to anything long-term without you.” Surely that would show some improvement. That his input mattered to him.

\---

He still looked a little troubled, but he started in his food and it helped to improve his humor. “Well, I look forward to meeting her tomorrow.” He took a few more spoonfuls, moving on. “Why don’t you tell me about that mission? I know not much has happened lately.”

\---

“Fenris didn’t tell you about it?” He doubted that and it showed on his face. But he started into his own meal, not wanting it to get cold. “You two are good friends these days and you had the entire day to talk.”

\---

“Barely. I want to hear it from you. You’re the one sending him on it, after all.” He wanted the details from him. “I don’t understand why he’s going alone.”

\---

“He doesn’t have to. He could take anyone he wants with him. This was Isabela’s mission to start with anyway, but I advised her not to go when she brought it to me. It’s a band of smugglers she may know and if there’s trouble, it’ll probably be worse if they know her.” He figured she’d want to go anyway and the only reason she hadn’t insisted was because of Anders being back home with him. “She thinks they’re smuggling people on top of their usual goods so Fenris seemed just the person to ask to investigate it.”

\---

“I think she should go. Or Varric. One of them. It’s better to do things in pairs, especially if they’re things that require leaving the city.” He didn’t want him going by himself. “We should stop by the Hanged Man after dinner. I’m sure one of them can be convinced to go.”

\---

“Why go out? One of them will be here soon anyway to make sure I’m on my best behavior.” They were vigilant, just as they had been when he was here alone. “I don’t see why it matters. Fenris is a very capable warrior, he’ll do fine on his own.”

\---

That was true. Still, he’d prefer to talk to them both. “He’s capable, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s safer for us to go out in pairs.” He was sure that even if Isabela wouldn’t agree, and he was sure she would, Varric would. For the same reason that Varric had started coming with him for his own personal ‘missions’.

\---

“I’m well aware of that. He can ask anyone he wants to go with him. He could hire someone to go with him. I didn’t order him to go alone.” He was stirring his food more than eating it. “You don’t need to worry about him. You never have before.”

\---

“I’m not blaming you, I just want to talk to Isabela and Varric, that’s all.” He didn’t want to argue with him about this. He did have to worry about Fenris, but he wasn’t going to say that. “He wasn’t my friend before,” he replied gently, wanting to leave it at that.

\---

“He wasn't a lot of things to you before.” He mumbled before he could stop himself. He knew it was better to pretend that nothing happened. That every time he brought up his suspicions, Anders became very defensive. But finding them together today was like ripping the scab from a wound that had just begun to heal.

\---

Anders rolled his eyes. “Will you stop it already?” He was tired of hearing his accusations. He knew he was jealous, that he would accuse him of fucking anyone, but it was annoying. “You’d think you’d appreciate that he and I are friends.” It was certainly an improvement from how they use to be behave.

\---

“I would have if you hadn't lived with him for a month.” If they could have gotten along before that, it would have been fine. “Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't have feelings for him.” It was an approach he'd never taken before, usually keeping his accusations to what had happened between them physically.

\---

He was prepared to argue, but the attempt died on his lips. He frowned at him, wanting to be insulted, to tell him that it was a ridiculous exercise, but it wouldn’t change anything. He was right, after all. “...I don’t have feelings for him.” The words were cool and he kept his expression cool to match. It felt convincing to him.

\---

He studied him for a long moment, then nodded. He thought Anders perfectly capable of lying to him, but that felt sincere. “...Okay. I needed to hear that.”

\---

He kept his expression as it was, not wanting the relief he felt to come through. “Okay. I don’t want to hear about it anymore. We’re friends. That’s all there is to it.” He returned to his soup, wanting to let the moment pass.

\---

“I'm sorry.” He doubted it would be the last time. Jealousy gnawed at him and he knew it would bother him the next time he found them alone. He decided he couldn't eat anymore and rose from the table to put what was left in his bowl away with the other leftovers.

\---

His own appetite faded, but he continued to eat. He’d hadn’t had much since breakfast and he knew he needed to eat. He would just eat alone then. Maybe after Hawke relaxed, they could enjoy their evening together.


	9. Chapter 9

Things felt like they were going better with Anders and the more they settled into a routine, the more Hawke could relax. His moods weren't great over the next week, but they had improved and the days he could spend with his boyfriend helped. He knew on the days Anders opened his clinic that he was spending time with Fenris and those were the nights they were more likely to argue. But for the most part, he felt things were going well over the next week.

However, Hawke's mood was dark in a way it hadn't been since Anders had come home one evening. He walked into the mansion slamming the door shut and ignoring Pickles’ attempt to greet him. Lia, the older elf woman Hawke had hired had already picked up on his temper and though she'd come forward to greet him, she quickly retreated to the kitchen.

\---

Since he’d opened the clinic the previous day, Anders had opted to stay home today. Most of the day had been spent with Hawke, but he’d had some errands to run and so Anders had instead helped Lia with a trip to the market. They’d returned and put their purchases away and with that taken care of, he’d decided to spend some time in the library.

That was where he was when he heard the door slam. He felt a building sense of trepidation that he tried to ignore as he got up and made his way out to the living room. Surely it was nothing. “Garrett?”

\---

He was scowling when he saw Anders, his arms folded over his chest. “You’ll never guess who’s had a sudden change of heart about helping me with the blood mage problem in Kirkwall. A little time with you and suddenly he thinks they’re not such a big threat and I should deal with it myself.” Fenris had always been his biggest supporter in hunting them and he didn’t think _anything_ would change that. But of course, something about his time with Anders had done the trick.

\---

He looked surprised. “Really?” He… wouldn’t have expected that. He couldn’t help the way his lips quirked. He had the same thought. A little time with him and Fenris had changed his mind. He didn’t know to what degree, but the fact that he wasn’t willing to hunt mages, even blood mages, meant a lot to him. “I guess he finally decided to pay attention to what I had to say.” It was strange. They hadn’t really talked about it, but here they were.

\---

The pleased look on Anders’ face was infuriating. “This isn’t just any mage hunt. She’s a confirmed blood mage. Something needs to be done about this before she gets out of the city and he _refuses_ to go with me.”

\---

“I don’t really want to talk about this. You know how I feel about this and it upsets me that you still want to run off and hunt down and hurt mages.” Blood mage or otherwise. “I’m sorry he won’t help you, but I’m sure you can figure it out.” He wasn’t, but it was a weak attempt to placate his obvious anger and annoyance.

\---

“Yeah, you look very sorry.” He snapped, starting to advance on him. “As sorry as I am that I have to put this blood mage away before someone else has to say their goodbyes to their mother’s mutilated corpse. But that doesn’t matter as much to you, does it?”

\---

He backed up a few steps, before stopping to hold his ground. “You can’t play that card forever, Garrett.” He felt resentful that he was still using his mother’s death to justify the things he did. To trump any argument he might make. “I’m not going to argue with you about this. You need to cool off - I’ll be in the library.”

\---

He was not about to let him run off and when he stopped to stand his ground, he caught up quickly. He struck him hard - not a slap but a hard punch instead. “Her murder doesn’t just go away with time, Anders. It _is_ forever.” He growled, absolutely livid. “And Fenris is in no position to say no to me about anything. I could have him sent away in an instant if I wanted to.”

\---

He saw it coming, but he still took it hard. Enough for him to stumble into a nearby wall. For a long moment he didn’t react, then his arm moved suddenly. With it, a wave of force threw the rogue away from him, right into the couch. “Stay away from me. We’re done.” It was easier than he would’ve thought to come to the conclusion. He had no choice.

He started out of the room, striding to put as much distance between them as he could, quickly as he could.

\---

The rogue hadn’t expected him to fight back so he was completely off guard when he was knocked back into the couch. It took him a moment to recover, but when he did, he was after Anders. “We are not done. Come back here. We’ll talk this out. I shouldn’t have hit you, okay? It was about my mother, not you.”

\---

He sent another wave at him, prepared to throw him away from him until he reached the front door. He couldn’t do more than that, but by then he would be in public. The rogue couldn’t touch him in public. He didn’t know where he was going, just that he couldn’t stay there. He’d given him his last chance and he’d used it to hurt him. Again.

\---

He lost the ground he’d gained when he was thrown back a second time. It made him as anxious as it did angry, knowing Anders didn’t want to hurt him back, he just wanted to get away from him. “Anders, come back. We need to talk about this. It’s been so much better. You know how hard I’m trying. We just need to talk about this. Anders…” He was rushing after him again, determined to catch up no matter how many times he was thrown back.

\---

He could hear him closing in and since he was out where he couldn’t risk his magic, his options were few. He could flee, but who knew where that would get him? Instead, he whirled. “We’re done!” he yelled at him, letting his own anger come out. “You are not the man I fell in love with! You are cruel and you are cold and I will no longer cow to your violence!”

\---

“I am the same man. You’ve seen it while you’ve been back. I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have hit you.” He insisted, knowing he couldn’t be thrown back again. “Just come back inside. We’ll cool down and we’ll talk about this. Please, I need you…”

\---

“I said stay away from me,” he growled, finding that tapping into his anger gave him a strength he hadn’t realized he had. “Find someone else to abuse. Or better yet, don’t.” He turned on his heel and continued on, his stride quickening further still.

\---

“Stop this…” He caught up to him once more, taking hold of his arm to slow him. “You know that’s not who I am. I said I was sorry. Why don’t we stay in separate rooms tonight? We can both cool down and talk about it tomorrow…”

\---

As soon as he felt the touch, he whirled again, this time pulling a fist back and letting it fly into his face. “Don’t touch me!” he yelled, drawing a crowd as he made a scene.

\---

Hawke was stunned to be struck, stumbling back and holding his face. For a moment, he reared back as if he meant to hit him back, but despite his anger, he noticed the eyes on them and forced himself to stop. “Fine. Go. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.” He could go back to his boyfriend on the side or whatever he had to do for the night, but this was far from over.

\---

They wouldn’t be talking about this at all. He continued on, making his way to Lowtown and the bar where he could find the rogues. If they were in. When he actually arrived, however, the weight of what had happened finally hit him and rather than go inside the building, he went around to the back of it. It was dirty back there, but he needed a moment as he began to break down.

\---

Hawke was a mess by the time he got back into the mansion. He was shaking and his anger had almost completely given way to desperation. What if Anders really wouldn’t come back? No, he didn’t think that would happen. They loved each other. They loved each other and Anders had come back to him once. He was just upset and once he cooled down, everything would be fine. He went to lock himself in his library, knowing he needed a way to pass the time until he could bring himself to sleep - as tempting as it was to go hunt the blood mage that the argument had been about, he wanted to be home when Anders came back.


	10. Chapter 10

It was late in the night when Anders arrived at the elf’s mansion. He probably ought to knock, but it had been such a long day. He wasn’t holding it together well and he just wanted to get inside to could talk to him, so he stepped right in. He couldn’t even bring himself to announce himself, but he knew he wouldn’t have to. The elf would know before long who it was and he would likely even know why he was here.

\---

Fenris was by the fire and deep in his wine when he heard the footsteps. After the way Hawke had stormed out earlier, he half expected trouble, but he was tired and after the wine he’d had, he was slow to rise from his chair and investigate. By the time he met Anders in the hall, he was wishing it had been trouble instead. “What happened? Are you hurt?”

\---

He looked at him, but he couldn’t meet his eyes for long. “No, I’m okay. I healed myself.” He gave a shrug, smiling grimly. He folded an arm over himself, gripping the other as it hung at his side.

\---

“What did he do to you?” He moved to him quickly, inspecting him for damage. It didn’t matter if he’d healed himself, he still wanted to be sure. “He was angry with me, he shouldn’t have taken it out on you…”

\---

“It doesn't matter. It was going to happen sooner or later.” It really felt like it had been inevitable standing on the other side of it. “I left him. Varric and Isabela are going to watch over him, but I’m done. Completely.” So completely, he didn’t think he could stay here. “I think I’m going to leave Kirkwall tomorrow.” That was why he was really here. To tell him about his plan. A plan he hadn’t let either of the rogues in on.

\---

“I think that’s a good idea.” He took both of Anders’ hands in his own. “Where do you want to go? ...Or if you’d rather go alone, I understand if you’d rather none of us know.”

\---

He wasn’t surprised. He let him take his hands and he squeezed them. “It would be nice if you came with me, but I think it’s best if you don’t.” This was the decision he should’ve made. “So much has changed between us and I think we would be happy wherever we went, but I think that what I am would catch up to us. I’d rather miss you than hate you.”

\---

He looked heartbroken in a way he would have guarded if he’d had less wine in his system. “I don’t think it would. This all happened tonight because I wouldn’t help hunt down a mage woman. A blood mage that I don’t even know. It would have been so easy for me before… but I couldn’t now that I know you.”

\---

“What if it did? I couldn’t bear it, Fenris. For you to look at me the way he does. The way you use to.” He shook his head, tears beginning to sting his eyes. He was so hurt and so _tired_ and he had to stop relying on someone else to make it better. Even if some part of him, some part he barely had hold of, wanted to sink in his arms and let him comfort him as he had for the last month.

\---

“He wouldn’t change his feelings about mages in spite of you. I changed mine _because_ of you.” He released one of his hands, using it to sweep his fingers through his hair to comfort him as he had so many times before. “I love you, Anders.”

\---

He stared at him. “Maybe you do, but you said yourself that your feelings could turn to poison. If you love me, it will only destroy me that much more if they do.” He pulled the hand he was holding in, clutching at it with both of his hands. “You were right. When you said I could choose neither. That is what I should have chosen, but I’m so stupid. So ruled by my heart.”

\---

“I wanted to be honest with you about my uncertainty, but that was before I lost you. Before I had to accept that you’d chosen someone else. I wasn’t sure what love felt like until I lost it.” He squeezed when Anders clutched his hand. “Of course you can still choose neither, but I have until morning to hope that you won’t.”

\---

He couldn’t hold it together. He was shaking when he stepped in, letting go with the hand he’d just taken hold of him with and touching his shoulder as he leaned in for a kiss.

\---

He’d wanted to kiss him so badly since the day he’d decided to stay with Hawke. He closed his eyes and melted into it, wrapping his arms tightly around him. He hated the thought that tonight could be the very last time he would see this man.

\---

He slid his arms around him in turn, tightening them so much that he pulled the elf off of his feet for just a moment. “I love you too,” he breathed into the kiss, shaking harder still. He was overwhelmed by everything, but right now, he was overwhelmed by him most of all.

\---

He’d been so willing and relaxed when he was lifted from his feet - he felt weightless when he was kissed by Anders anyway. He used the arms around him to stroke his back, wanting to soothe him. He’d brought him comfort before and he wanted to do it again now.

\---

A little over a minute passed when he broke the kiss, though he kept him close. “Can we lay down?” He was tired and he needed to relax. The elf’s presence was helping and little as he wanted to depend on him, it would help even more if he could really relax with him.

\---

He nodded and released him enough to link their arms and walk him back to his bed. It hadn’t been all that long since they’d laid down together, but it felt like it had been a lifetime. He’d never expected to have that with him again and he knew it may only be for tonight. When they reached the bed, he turned to him and started to undress him at a slow, easy pace. He wasn’t expecting anything, but he knew very well that Anders relaxed better when they were skin-to-skin.

\---

Anders let him undress him, not thinking about it. Going through the motions to take what he needed. He helped him undress as well, needing both of them to be bare. He moved onto the bed, using a hand on his arm to keep him with him as he laid down.

\---

Fenris eased down onto the mattress with him, tangling their legs once they were settled. His skin began to glow, knowing his lyrium could soothe him in a way that nothing else could. He kissed the tip of his nose, usually something he'd done playfully but now just wanting to give him very simple affection.

\---

He warmed with the kiss to his nose. This felt so much better, so much more natural with him than it had with Hawke. He didn’t shy away from him. He didn’t need space. Of course, he hadn’t hurt him, not the way Hawke had, but it felt like he was meant to be here. Like the time he’d spent with Hawke hadn’t happened at all.

\---

It was so good to be back in bed with him like this. He felt himself smile, despite his fears that Anders would leave in the morning and never return. “All is right in my world when you are here.” He murmured, nuzzling their noses together lightly.

\---

He traced the lines on his chest absently, busying himself with brushing their noses together. “You’re too sweet.” Fenris was so gentle with him. Not only in the way he touched him, but the way he spoke to him. That was why it would hurt so much if it were to go away. That was why he’d chosen Hawke. The obligation. He’d known what to expect with Hawke, but he hadn’t known what to expect with Fenris. He knew the pain that Hawke could cause, but if Fenris were to cause him that kind of pain, it would be devastating. Too devastating.

\---

“Those pirates didn't take all of their boats when I chased them out of here. We could see if one is still there in the morning. Sail for anywhere or nowhere in particular, depending on our mood.” He didn't know anything about sailing, but he'd been on enough ships he felt he could figure it out.

\---

Too much had happened for him to really smile, but what he gave him was close enough. “You want to sail away with me?” He pecked his lips. “It’s that easy for you to pick up and go?”

\---

“Yes. There is nothing for me here if you go.” There had been nothing for him here from the start, really. Just a place to squat for a while and earn coin. “We could sail away at sunrise. That has a romantic ring to it, doesn't it?” He gave him a peck in return, running his fingers through his hair.

\---

“It does.” Fenris really wanted to come with him. To be with him. He didn’t want to commit to the idea, not yet, but it did sound wonderful. His only concern was whether or not it would remain wonderful. “I really missed you.” Even though they’d still spent time together, he’d thought about him a lot and even when they were together, he’d missed being close with him.

\---

“I've missed you too. I wanted to hold you every time I saw you, but I knew I couldn't. It would be too hard to let go.” He gave him a longer, firmer kiss. “I've been wanting to do that too.”

\---

He lifted a hand to his cheek and cupped it. “I’m sorry I chose him.” He wasn’t sorry only to Fenris, but to himself. “I wanted to believe that it would be okay. That I would love him as I always had and that he would be good to me, but after being with you… it wasn’t the same. I don’t love him like I use to.”

\---

“I wish you would have stayed that day.” The day he'd almost chosen not to go talk to Hawke. “But I'm glad you went. I think you needed to go back to him and find out for sure. I needed lose you to find out how I felt for certain too.”

\---

He nodded, but he was still conflicted. “It was easier than I thought to leave… but it isn’t _easy_.” He could do it and he _would_ do it, but his whole world had turned out from under him. “My heart hurts.” It would hurt more when he left everything behind. Especially if he left _everything_ behind.

\---

“I'm sorry.” He moved a hand to Anders’ chest, brushing glowing fingers over it. As if he or his lyrium could mend his heart. “I think leaving Kirkwall will help. A fresh start somewhere that he can't hurt you again.”

\---

He remembered him touching that spot before. Kissing it. He moved a hand to cover his. His heart wasn’t beating as it hard as it had that night, but it was beating harder than usual. “I hope so.” He knew what would really help.

\---          

He could tell he was in distress but it was a relief that his heart wasn't pounding like it was before. He kissed him softly, then murmured against his lips in Tevene. The sweet words he struggled to find in common that sounded so much better to his own ears in his native tongue.

\---

He didn’t know what he was saying, but he didn’t have to. He met the kiss sweetly, his eyes drifting shut. He didn’t want anything more than this, the ache soothed by him as long as he was close.

\---

“Maybe I can teach you Tevene someday.” He murmured between soft, slow kisses. “It would sound sweet on your tongue. You could hear the things I want to say to you that don't translate well.”

\---

Again, his lips perked a little. “I’d like that.” It would nice to learn his language. “What’s something I should know?” He could teach him something simple tonight, if he wanted.

\---

Fenris considered a moment, then smirked a little. “Let's begin with a word I think of when I think of you. Amatus.” He'd never actually said it in the Tevene he'd used in his presence. But he'd thought of it the more he came to accept his feelings for the man. “Try to say it.” He encouraged, then repeated it slowly for him to mimic.

\---

“Amatus,” he repeated, his eyes having opened. He looked between the elf’s, waiting for confirmation that he’d said it correctly, even though it wasn’t a particularly difficult word and it sounded just the same to him.

\---

“That's good. Your first Tevene word. It's a title of sorts.” He wasn't sure if ‘title’ was the right word, but Anders would understand soon. “And you have heard me say ‘avanna’ before as a greeting. So your first Tevene sentence can be ‘Avanna, Amatus.’”

\---

“A title?” That was hardly an adequate description, especially after he’d told him that it was a word he associated with him. “What does it mean?” He wanted to know before he would move on and try to say the ‘sentence’.

\---

“It doesn't translate directly. But the closest word in your language I can think of is ‘beloved’.” He smiled a little and stole a kiss from him. “Hello, beloved. Avanna, Amatus.”

\---

Finally, he smiled. A real smile. “Avanna, Amatus,” he repeated, brushing their noses together again. “I suppose the next thing to teach me would be ‘goodbye’, but perhaps not.” Maybe it would be best if he didn’t learn that.

\---

“No, no goodbyes for now. I like hearing your avanna much better.” He was relieved to see him smile and he ran his thumb over his chest where he could feel his heart. “Amatus.” It felt good to call him that.

\---

For a while he was quiet. “If two months ago, I told you that you would be running off with me, stealing a ship to sail away, would you have believed me?” No, obviously not. They hadn’t liked each other two months ago. They hadn’t shared more than bickering two months ago. There was more to his question than the question itself. Asking him the way he did, he was telling him his intention.

\---

“No, but two months ago, I didn't know how much another person could make me happy. Especially you.” He'd never have guessed it was possible. “You wouldn't have believed it either.”

\---

“No, I wouldn’t.” He’d hated him. Really hated him. But he’d also been wrong about him. Really wrong about him. “I was wrong about you. I was wrong about a lot of things.”

—

“So was I.” He pecked his lips once more. “Now, I want nothing more than to sail away with you in a stolen pirate ship. Isabela would approve.” If anything, she'd be mad he didn't tell her they'd abandoned a couple ships.

\---

He stroked his cheek with his thumb. “Okay, we’ll sail away.” He’d taken a chance with Hawke. He could take a chance with Fenris and really, it didn’t feel like it was that much of a leap. Things had been good and things were still new, but it really didn’t feel the same as it has with the rogue. It didn’t feel like it was going to end up the same.  The source of his fears came from their history. The elf’s history, really.

He just didn’t want to regret it. He didn’t want this to be another stupid decision.

—

His heart leapt into his throat. He hadn't expected Anders to commit to going so soon. After all that had happened and all he'd been through, he thought the mage would deliberate right up until the last moment. In his excitement, he rolled them, putting himself on top of Anders and giving him a series of quick, sweet kisses to his lips. “At dawn.”

\---

He was startled and he couldn’t help but laugh, finding himself on his back. “Well then.” He reached for both cheeks this time, coaxing him into a deeper, but just as sweet kiss.

—

He was glad to hear him laugh, realizing only after he'd done it that the sudden, dominant action could have frightened the mage. Hawke had just hurt him that night, after all. But he was glad that he hadn't done anything to make him uneasy. He melted into his kiss, trying to process all of this and how quickly it was happening. They were leaving together in the morning.

\---

He was slow to end the kiss and when he did, he kept his face held close. “Promise it’ll be okay?” It was a big promise he was asking, though it wasn’t as big as it seemed. It was rather specific, actually.

—

“I promise.” It came easily to him, despite the fact that there were so many variables. So many things that could change or go wrong. But he was determined to make it right for this man. To keep him like this and not have to go back to a life alone.

\---

The assurance was nice. Whether or not it actually meant anything. He let a hand slide down, setting it over his heart. “I love you.” In such a short time, he’d come to love him and it felt just as strong, if not stronger than the love he’d felt for Hawke. It was definitely stronger now, after everything that had happened between the three of them.

—

“I love you too.” He looked down to his hand, rather liking it over his own heart. “It will never turn to poison.” He had no way of knowing that, especially as new as all of this was to him. But it just didn’t feel possible.

\---

He smiled again, a little softer. “I’m going to hold you to that.” He had to stop thinking about everything that could go wrong, so he would. All that mattered was the elf and though it was exactly that kind of thinking that got him into this situation in the first place, he thought it would be okay this time.

—

“You won’t have to. Things will be so much better when we’re away from here.” They could leave Hawke, the templars, and the slavers. They could visit new places until they decided where they might want to settle, if they ever did. They were both men on the run, after all. Maybe they’d be perfectly happy with a life at sea.


End file.
